Royal wedding fever gathers a pace all over our nations TV stations with BBC1 devoting a slot every 30 minutes grinning tossers talking about what a credit to the country Prince William of Wales and his "blushing" bride are. Sniveling dirt bag David "Eton Mess" Cameron has informed us all to ignore the law and shut streets willy nilly because "he is the Prime minister", (If I did this I would flayed alive by Cornwall Council). ITV1 at every ad break roll out Adrian Chiles and his saucepot daybreak co-host Christine Bleakley in the hope that we all be warmed by his gentle midlands humour and her good looks into turning over to ITV on the morning of the 29th of April. The nations co-ops are lined with Royal Wedding merchandise, mugs, albums ......aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I am now going to explain why I really, really hate this crap.
The Royal family are a questionable institution at the best of times, they absorb huge chunks of state resources to prop up the lifestyles of a bunch of basically, Germans. There real surname isn't Windsor, Wales or any affectation but either Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg if you use Prince Phillips real surname or Herzogtum Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha if you use the Queens real maiden name. The institution itself is soooo outdated that the vast majority of reasonable humans ditched the concept of "god choosing" their leaders centuries ago. Does anyone actually buy the idea that Frau Herzogtum Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha was chosen by the almighty to be rich on our behalf? Do you think god is up there thinking to himself "do you know what a short woman who looks like she is perpetually angry is just what this nation needs", really ? Do you? Are you that insane?
Anyway the real reason that I hate this Royal Wedding is not because of the participants, Wills seems sort of decent enough sort of chap for a multi-millionaire, Catherine Middleton has a small chance of a rescuing the genetic cul-de-sac of the Windsors which I see as a service to medicine, so bravo. All humans have the right to a happy family life after all. I really hate this wedding because of what it symbolises.
You see in the 19th and 20th Centuries the Royals cut a deal with politicians, it goes like this
Royals "We will retreat into the backround and let you run the country on our behalf"
Politicians "But hang on the public will ask why we still give you loads of cash and bow and stuff if you are no longer running the country directly"
Royals "Pretend we represent the ultimate BRITISH FAMILY and BRITISH MIDDLE CLASS FAMILY VALUES that will give you an excuse to keep throwing us huge amounts of wonga"
Politicians " But isn't it a real Royal tradition to shag your way through the staff , your cousins, the corgi's I mean EVERYTHING, and aren't you German anyway"
Royals "Yes, we will pretend the shagging doesn't happen, set us up as some moral crusade for middle class values, that will give us a purpose....oh and we will change our German names"
So the Royal Wedding on one level is a personal celebration of a couples love for each other but to the Church, the Tories and the Upper Middle classes its a way of shoving their values down our throats. Wills and Kate are just as likely to be banging their horsey set mates within ten years as Mummy and Daddy were but for 1 day in late April they will be held up as examples to us of what we should aspire to.
So I for one will be booing myself hoarse on April 29th as the Royal couple celebrate their nuptials in the hope that one day , meritocracy, freedom and equality are seen as more important than a "right royal knees up".