Friday, 29 April 2011

How to become a Lord.

I hope you all had a wonderful day, I certainly did especially when I decided to turn off the the Royal Wedding commentators and play the Star Wars Imperial March, the effect was like honey dripped magic, as the Welsh guards marched up the Mall it seemed to transform them into jack booted brown shirts intent on storming the Reichstag.

At about 11.30am I cried like a baby.........I really did......the reason; my wife punched me in the back of my big bald head for making one two many smart arse comments about Prince Philips slitty eyes joke.  It seems the Japanese are more respectful of our Royal family than we are.

I want to thank the Royals for providing me with the best comedy material since the banking crisis of 2007 and I want to also thank the users of twitter for creating the best word of 2011 so far - QILF,

My award for outraged comment of the day comes from a twitter user who declared without any sense of hyperbole that "All those who don't like the Royal Wedding should be thrown out of the country or shot".  Bloody hell its just a wedding love, I didn't ban you from Heamoor when you didn't line the streets for my weddings(s), for gawds sake.

Well I wish the Saxe Coburg Und Gothas a happy future,  all humans deserve happiness, just as all humans should enjoy equality, liberty and a life free from illness, poverty and ignorance.  I am of course "just a dreamer" though and I doubt if it matters what I say.

Turning the attendees at the wedding, I became all nerdy at about 2pm wondering who the hell all these assorted Lord and Ladies were so I wikipediaed (is that a word) more information about the peerage system in the UK, just out of a sense of righteous indignation you understand.  Seemingly in the UK there are 2 kinds of aristocrat those with substantive titles like Dukes and Earls and Barons and those with Honorary titles.  Honorary titles apply to those who are close relative of the real title holders such as the eldest son of a Earl who is a "Lord" or the eldest son of Baronet an "Honourable", you get the picture.  But wait a second look at this more closely, here's the real kick in the crutch.  These fawning mewling titles have never been enshrined in law and are....made up by the aristocrats themselves to give added status to the "fruit of their loins".  In fact anyone can style themselves as "Lord" or "Lady" there are no rules.  So you lot have been bowing and cooing etc for no constitutional reason whatsoever, my god I feel foolish.

That being the case I have decided to create my own order of peerage to honour the people of this great nation (Cornwall).  I Simon the High King of St Clare Flats do hereby declare that anyone that fills out the following form and send it to me shall be styled High Lord of the nation of Kernow.

Name_______________________________________________________

Title you wish to assume _______(eg Lord of Treneere)_________________

Amount you are bunging me in pounds sterling _________________________

Date _________________________________________________________

Favourite Doctor Who______________(eg not Colin Baker)


In my first honours list I wish to anoint Mr Grevis Williams for services to folk music now to be known as Lord Banjo String.

Mr Craig Weatherhill for services to beards - who shall be known as Baron Guinness of Newbridge.


And of course Mr Simon Reed for services to feck all and shall be known as Lord Special Brew.


God save the King and all that.

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