Saturday, 7 May 2011

I blame you.

This afternoon I have been sitting around starring into space contemplating how the hell I ended up were I am now.  I mean I didn't plan to be sitting here in a flat in St Clare Street earning next to nothing, dosed up on huge amounts of drugs and earning next to sod all.  I didn't imagine for a second that my life would be so complicated and eccentric.Well do you know what I blame you ! Yes I blame you for all my ills.  I blame you for giving the friggin disease that has blighted my life by dragging my brain into the gutter, I blame you for passing me that little gem.  For that act of nature that passed me that little virus that did the damage, for the countless operations, heart disease, eye damage and wonky bits, its all your fault!

I blame you for making my so utterly distrusting of human kindness, that it is impossible for me to get close to anyone , you did that.  I remember the moment when I first realised that fact, 18 years ago on a bus looking out the window with a 1000 yard stare across some grotty council estate, "I will never trust anyone again" what a frightening thought for someone to have at any age.  The fact that I hit the booze, smoked like a tyre fire and filled my life full of junk was just to blank out that thought, that moment..

I blame you for lying to me about what you really were, that you were in fact mad as a frothing goat, sectionable, loony tunes, bazzoony, whacko, nut job. Why did you think that it was OK to be so utterly objectionable and hurtful and why to this day do you still lie to yourself about me.

The fear of death, the loneliness, the horror of out of control debt, you did it to me!  When I lay in that bed   knowing that I may never see the world again, I hated you.

And now time has passed and age is catching up with me quicker than it would for a "normal" man and I fear most of all that I have wasted my time with these feelings.  What horror have I become?  Have I let you seep into me to such an extent that I am now the one that hurts others, the one to blame.

But the real nightmare is knowing that YOU are ME. I am the one to blame and the only way to every feel better again is to forgive me.

Tomorrow normal service resumes with a diatribe about the Tories were I conclude that David Cameron will be shoved up Judas Iscariot's arse in the afterlife.

2 comments:

  1. Beautifully painful that blog entry.

    We used to know each other, quite a long time ago now. Tesco, it was, then I ran away to Wales.

    I am sad to learn that you have been so unwell, and do hope that your newly cleaned up heart stays strong.

    Caroline

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    1. Bloody hell! I was thinking about you the other day actually Caroline! How are you? Are you on facebook

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