Paedophilia enthusiast group the "Roman Catholic Church" has today performed a ancient ceremony elevating former Polish goal keeper Karol Józef Wojtyła to the level of a near Saint. Also known as Pope John Paul the 2nd , Karol was also famous for putting back the cause of responsible religious thought by at 100 years by letting third world people die in a massive AIDS epidemic because condoms are just downright wrong. Condoms, or little rubber satans as they are sometimes known, prevent the creation of life through the demonic action known as non-permeable rubber barrier blockage an action so heinous that it is often thought that Jack the Ripper, Ivan the Terrible and all of the members N-dubz have been at some time influenced by the process.
Current holder of the office of Pope Adolf Raztinger the first, is now looking for a gang of deluded over 80's to claim that Karol performed miracles by curing their gammy toe, piles or testicle elephantiasis ensuring that he can now be called St John Paul of Krakow or something and assume his seat at the right hand of god. As a certified and ordained minister of the Universal Life Church I have now been asked by his holiness to create of list of things for St John Paul to be patron of so far the short list appears like this;
1) Episodes 2-5 of season 1 of 1990's kids comedy Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
2) The tweetdeck application for twitter.
4) TV Shopping channel Bid TV.
5) Lindsay Lohan's left boob.
All other suggestions should be sent to the vatican direct via carrier pidgeon.