Friday, 14 September 2012

Norkageddon

Now, its not very nice to sneak up on a woman on holiday, miles from anywhere, and take a picture of her "love dumplings" without permission.  If I was the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge I would be just a little bit pissed off that some enterprising pap had managed to hack into a private estate and get close enough to get a close up of her "chapel hat pegs".  But you know what it ain't front page news. While the entire fundamentalist Islamic world are confusing Youtube with the American government and killing anything western for jollies, grizzly murders with hidden sub texts are going down and god knows what else is, the BBC et al have decided that we must care about the publication of pictures of HRH's "Duelling banjos".

The headlines and commentary has been extraordinary, "For God's sake in France!!!!!!" yelled an anonymous Royal writer on BBC news "That is where his mother died" (which is one of the stupidest things ever uttered to be honest), "They have crossed a red line" bawled a palace spokesman, somehow suggesting that a red line somehow is more serious than black one.  The papers have been no better with fuming outrage spewing from its front pages calling on the spirit of Trafalgar to crush our insolent froggy neighbours.  The Daily Mirror described the happy couple as being "grim faced" as the weight of the "wab" scandal was starting to grind them down.  Meanwhile in Paris, the editor of Closer magazine, the offending filth ridden gossip rag, stood resolutely by her decision to publish pictures of Kates "tatas", ."We did it so Harry won't feel alone" she said, her leathery, beaten up, cigarette ravaged face showing the obvious signs of lying.

In the interest of public scrutiny I decided to investigate these pictures personally and had a look at the closermag.fr website and low and behold, it was crashing under the weight of a curious public's interest.  Luckily some enterprising scamp had uploaded to the front cover with full "norkage" on display.

Both men and women have had experiences with the opposite sex that go like this.  You meet a new partner and after an appropriate period you find your self in an amorous situation and start to unpeel the garments of the one you desire. In the case of gentleman it is often the case that you particularly look forward to the first unveiling of the "bristols".  Sadly thanks to modern technology the "bappage area" is often enhanced by the use of padding and the like, and when eventually the garment does drop a gentleman's reaction can sometimes be like the kid at Christmas who asked for a bike and got an orange.  Saying loudly "oh that's a shame" is not recommended.  This is exactly the reaction when you get a view of HRH's "rack".

In summary - not headline news and not worth looking at.  To save you all the trouble here is the picture in question.


Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Kremlin Kernow Strikes Back !

People of Cornwall, take heed!

So it came to pass that Cornwall Council cabinet voted to hand all Cornwall's services to a giant big company, possibly BT and further did the councillors vote against the plans.  And yay did Mr Kevin Lavery and cohorts stick one big middle finger up at the councillors and plough on regardless with these plans.

That's right folks Kremlin Kernow are back with a bang this time by trying to pull the kinds of tricks hard right Tory authorities have done in parts they control such as Barnett.  Except in this case they don't have permission.  Let's look at the facts.

Cornwall Council is roughly made up as follows.

Tories 38%
Lib Dems 31%
Independent 25%
MK - 5%
Labour 1%

Barnet Conservatives have 39councils with 61% of the council, meaning that you should avoid Barnett any time soon because at least 61% of the population have lost their marbles.
About 40% of people in Cornwall support the Tories and their portfolio of unpleasantness, 60% don't.  I bet 30% of those Tories are "One Nation Tories" ( I know quite a few) who would really like people to pull their socks up and work hard for their community without necessarily flogging services off to companies that have poor customer service, they quite often believe in old fashioned ideas such as democracy.  10% of their supporters, like any political party, will be as thick as pig dung and unable to string a sentence together without grunting and, the kind of people that vote for a party just because their dad did. Politicians! Don't deny this, you have met them.

But what's this? Cornwall council  also voted on this issue and a majority Councillors voted against.  Sadly thanks to Mesrs Brown and Blair local government had a whole new system foisted upon it and a select Junta of bug eyed lunatics now control everything regardless of democracy or conscience.  In summary then. Barnett = mad policies but democratically chosen, Cornwall = Mad policies with no permission what so ever.

If you think this is the biggest load of crap since "don't scare the hare" then I suggest that you all sign this lovely petition which will force the Council to debate this.  Maybe they will then get the message that acting like a 1970's Chilean Generalissimo isn't acceptable.

Citizens click here - http://www.freepetition.co.uk/cornwall/SignPetition.aspx?apcode=+P42ID119201282725

TVI

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Choo! Choo!!

It's been an interesting few weeks.  2 weeks ago my GP placed me on the exercise on prescription programme at my local leisure centre , its been hell on earth.  Firstly you have the "core" fans who sit around the weight machines talking about how they have "blitzed" their abs and eaten 6 eggs to assist the process.  Then there is the yoga girls who never come to the gym but steal every single locker before disappearing into the mysterious stretching rooms.  The third category are people struggling like mad to regain their fitness, me included. For the record dear reader, I have a complex and shitty list of physical and mental complaints in no particular order;

1) Diabetes Type 1 
2) Retinopathy - I have lost significant sight in my right eye.
3) Bi-Polar 1 - No I am not some hippy who has diagnosed themselves! I don't get sad occasionally and happy the rest of the time.  I see a shrink, I have therapy I take whopping great pills.  Its a flaming nightmare!
4) Peripheral neuropathy - Nerve damage to parts of my bloody. Some of this damage is bloody unpleasant.
5) Ischemic Heart Disease - Blockage to my arteries which led to a triple bypass  in 2011.  
6) Fatigue related to all the drugs I take to prevent me dropping dead.

So the exercise I have been given by special trainer lady is very very specific and medically guided.  For example I am not allowed to raise my heart rate over 113 bpm , if I do I literally risk blowing my new arteries apart and causing a nasty stain on the floor of Penzance Leisure centre.  The exercising has hurt all the way, it would do I have been sitting on my ass for 3 years , if I moved before my chest hurt my arm had a searing pain, you know - angina! But you know what, the combination of gentle exercise slowly over time has started to make me feel a tiny bit better - Hooray! a little bit is a big deal these days.

Now because I have problems as above I am entitled to a disability rail card, the eyes in particular means I will never be able to drive again.  With me so far?  On the way back from Redruth today I was asked for my rail card and ticket by a conductor as he glanced at rail card he asked me "Didn't I see you at the Gym last week" and rolled his eyes like I was a dirty scrounging bastard.  Clearly indicating that he thought I was pulling a fast one, clearly his definition of disabled is hobbling along on crutches, anything outside this makes me a fraud.  He clearly didn't know that I am not "on the sick" and I don't fit his "Daily Mail" image of a "sicky scrounger" I just have some stuff that makes bloody life hard sometimes.  I don't want anyone's sympathy at all, I don't want labels either and I dont want his bloody opinion one way or the other .  

I am fuming mad even now, I can't see why I should be questioned by someone like this! It's sickening.

I tell you what I want , I want a action to prove that First Great Western take this seriously - In certain professions if you did this you would get the boot.  I want them to tell me why, on face value, it seems they tolerate people taking the piss out of those with legitimate health problems.  Why they allow their staff to question the integrity of people they don't know is beyond me. The gentleman in question, you may feel like you have uncovered the plot of the year, but alas you have made yourself look like a ignorant baboon, a knuckle scraper and someone who is swallowing Cameron and the rests agenda to make sick people the scape goats for others poor political decisions.

In the mean time I have complained, let's see what happens.

I will be posting this on twitter until I get a satisfactory response and the theme of my Radio show next week will be "First Great Western Staff, are they prejudiced against those with hidden disabilities?" - Tune in to  http://redruthradio.co.uk/ next week between 11.30am -1.30pm! Don't lie down people.

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Work of Genius

Looking at our private Google search terms would be revealing to say the least.  Mine for example would be a strange mix of politics, humour and PVC fetish websites (I jest of course before my enemies chalk up another thing they can nail me for), all thrown in with egotistical searches about my past "achievements". My wife's searches would be entirely dominated with pictures of amorphous girly Japanese boy band "Arashi" who are literally the least talented tuneless feckers ever to take breath and strangely have some universal "Ant and Decesque" appeal in the land of the rising sun.  (I know that this is an aside but, hell fire these people dominate my life, music in the kitchen. laptops with videos of their every move, screen savers, CDs, T-shirts  aghhh!!).

Revealing indeed then is a twitter account set up by a chap called Norman T.  Norman, cleverly or perhaps cruelly has told his 81 year old father that twitter is in fact Google search, every time his dad seeks information he is broadcasting to the twitterverse.  Over the last few months Norman's old pa has searched for the following.

angry all the time
Harry Truman liar
how many types of omlettes are there?
type of cloud long and gray?
what does e mail cost
cold toes
how do you pronounce juan
what is soy milk?

And many more ...If you like glimpsing into the mind of the elderly (and possibly insane) and you are on twitter I recommend following @oldmansearch.

In more mad old git news Harold Camping's prediction of the rapture unsurprisingly failed to materialise the trump of god was not heard, Evangelicals did not float and the 7 month tribulation is, as it stands not happening. Of course we can all expect more end of the world lunacy on the 21st of December 2012 when the Mayan calender ends and the focus will switch to those of a new age persuasion.

I am actually thinking of starting my own religion, perhaps we could have one of these kind of events once a month.

Bye for now !

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Ken Clarke to downgrade some killings to "mild murders"

Cigar Smoking Jazz fan and UK Justice secretary Ken Clarke has today announced that he intends to re-classify some murders as "mild murders".   Ken, who I used to like, states on a interview on this mornings SKY news "murdering involving the smushing of someone's  fizzog is by its by its very nature more serious than a drive by shoot out in south London or a mafia killing involving a stiletto knife shoved into the brain from the base of the neck".  "How can the we even treat these murders as the same thing?" he added while huffing and going all big faced and bloated.  Evil Tory MP Nadine Dorris added to the debate in her usual pathetic style"If murder victims learnt to just say no they would be allot less killings" said the wizened cow while playing with a set of Rosary beads.

Meanwhile murder campaigners have reacted to Ken's statements with incandescent rage , "just wait till I get hold of the fucker I will show him a mild murder" said Betty Outrage aged 55 from whatever the latest trendy suburb in London is called.  "if Ken had been murdered he would now exactly it feels" she added.

That's enough I think....

To finish a blank space.......as empty as my soul.