The Cornish Gazette.

Hello folks I no longer operate this blog and I am now spending my time doing this The Cornish Gazette- Independent and Satirical news for Cornwall.

Work of Genius

Looking at our private Google search terms would be revealing to say the least.  Mine for example would be a strange mix of politics, humour and PVC fetish websites (I jest of course before my enemies chalk up another thing they can nail me for), all thrown in with egotistical searches about my past "achievements". My wife's searches would be entirely dominated with pictures of amorphous girly Japanese boy band "Arashi" who are literally the least talented tuneless feckers ever to take breath and strangely have some universal "Ant and Decesque" appeal in the land of the rising sun.  (I know that this is an aside but, hell fire these people dominate my life, music in the kitchen. laptops with videos of their every move, screen savers, CDs, T-shirts  aghhh!!).

Revealing indeed then is a twitter account set up by a chap called Norman T.  Norman, cleverly or perhaps cruelly has told his 81 year old father that twitter is in fact Google search, every time his dad seeks information he is broadcasting to the twitterverse.  Over the last few months Norman's old pa has searched for the following.

angry all the time
Harry Truman liar
how many types of omlettes are there?
type of cloud long and gray?
what does e mail cost
cold toes
how do you pronounce juan
what is soy milk?

And many more ...If you like glimpsing into the mind of the elderly (and possibly insane) and you are on twitter I recommend following @oldmansearch.

In more mad old git news Harold Camping's prediction of the rapture unsurprisingly failed to materialise the trump of god was not heard, Evangelicals did not float and the 7 month tribulation is, as it stands not happening. Of course we can all expect more end of the world lunacy on the 21st of December 2012 when the Mayan calender ends and the focus will switch to those of a new age persuasion.

I am actually thinking of starting my own religion, perhaps we could have one of these kind of events once a month.

Bye for now !

Ken Clarke to downgrade some killings to "mild murders"

Cigar Smoking Jazz fan and UK Justice secretary Ken Clarke has today announced that he intends to re-classify some murders as "mild murders".   Ken, who I used to like, states on a interview on this mornings SKY news "murdering involving the smushing of someone's  fizzog is by its by its very nature more serious than a drive by shoot out in south London or a mafia killing involving a stiletto knife shoved into the brain from the base of the neck".  "How can the we even treat these murders as the same thing?" he added while huffing and going all big faced and bloated.  Evil Tory MP Nadine Dorris added to the debate in her usual pathetic style"If murder victims learnt to just say no they would be allot less killings" said the wizened cow while playing with a set of Rosary beads.

Meanwhile murder campaigners have reacted to Ken's statements with incandescent rage , "just wait till I get hold of the fucker I will show him a mild murder" said Betty Outrage aged 55 from whatever the latest trendy suburb in London is called.  "if Ken had been murdered he would now exactly it feels" she added.

That's enough I think....

To finish a blank space.......as empty as my soul.

Christian Love in Action.

I respect Stephen Hawking I really do.  His books are interesting, and throughout his works the complex ideas of modern physics are explained to the ordinary bloke in a readable manner (well at least most of the time).  However, he is a deeply flawed individual who is sometimes wildly wrong, deeply unpleasant and arrogant about his obvious abilities.  Stephen has hit the headlines today, worldwide, with an interview with the Guardian where he claims that "Heaven is fairytale made up by people that are afraid of death" , a pretty standard Atheist statement to be honest - but the American religious Right have gone batshit crazy (including Sarah Palin) accusing him of some kind of satanic plot.  One of the best places to see the ignorant at work is of course twitter, all of the tweets below are genuine and I have kept the user names  deliberately in place to ensure the those guilty of this kind of vile crap cannot hide.  I am sure that the founder of the religion that many of these people profess, (who said "If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also.") would be utterly ashamed of these so called Christians. I leave you with their comments.

"@AliColeLive: Stephen Hawking's crippled backside can go to HELL!! I mean that with every atom of my Jesus loving body”

"@SammiSkene :Stephen Hawking is a fucking dumbass idiot."

"@awaterboarding for you Is this guy a liberal? Seriously, who would say something so stupid?=>Physicist Stephen Hawking Says There Is No Heaven !"

"@opieradio Stephen Hawking's is a prick for calling heaven a "fairy story" you need church. i don't care about your Notable Awards your still stupid"

"@jamesa18 Stephen Hawking only hates God because god fucked up his body"

"@EmpressRae So err, i'm reading these stephen hawking tweets and.. err and he calls heaven a fairy tale. Err, someone push him off his chair.."

"@LeezyFBaybee Stephen Hawking Man He Is Pretty Fucked Up Huh!?"

"@Sir_Dowling R.I.P. Stephen Hawking"

"@tamemaniac F**k Stephen Hawking,bitch ass dick sucker!!!"

"@natehartley Stephen Hawking is quoted as saying, "Heaven is a fairy tale." In response God said, Hence why I put him in a wheelchair."

Government Piss Up Still on.

Following lengthy consultation with absolutely nobody the government has decided today that it will be keeping its massive horde of posh booze stowed underneath the foreign office. The "government wine cellar" as it is known is worth an estimated £1 million and contains bottles and bottles of posh grog from limited edition Dom Perignon to stupidly expense whisky aged in the stomachs of kittens, or some such bollocks.  Now in a "time of austerity" you would imagine having fine wines for MP's and dignitaries would be low on the list of priorities of any government. Well not according to prize toss bag Henry Bellingham MP, Junior foreign office minister, who spent most of this afternoon telling the media that her majesty likes the best kind of pop when she visits and nothing but oak aged Plymouth Gin made by Devonshire maidens in the late 19th century will do.  I am sure the MP's are rubbing their greedy little paws together at the thought of woolfing down the vino at their next vol-au-ven lash up, I can almost see Eric Pickles salivating.

You see the thing about wine and spirits is this, good fine wines are appreciated by experts but the vast majority won't know the difference between a Chateau Lafite 1999 or a Lidls South African red, their taste buds scrambled by years of abuse eating Burger King and drinking Diet Iron Brew. I bet you a thousand quid if I were to serve Tesco's value Hock at a meeting of 1922 committee they would praise the choice of wine and break into some Etonian school song about what a chipper fellow I was.

Back in the real world Conservative Wandsworth Council have decided to charge local kids £2.50 for the use of local play parks demonstrating that they are meanest minded group of arseholes ever to draw breath. In modern Britain the rich and powerful play with fine wines and good food while poor children can't even use the bloody swings.

To finish my favourite Fry and Laurie sketch

Age rubbish.

This morning I had the misfortune to be stuck in my Doctor's waiting room with an incredible winging old bag.  This grey beast from the depths of hades waddled in like some farting weeble and let rip a tirade of abuse to random strangers largely about the decline in the quality of young peoples values, and the fact that people weren't as friendly as they used to be.  The waiting room shifted from ass cheek to ass cheek uncomfortably avoiding eye contact in case she started to talk to them and unloaded her vile opinions in their direction. On the way back from the Doc's I popped into local (highly recommended) grocery emporium Thornes, to get some eggs, as I queued with the rest of the sane customers this midget silver haired fiend barged in front of me in the line, an action which seemed to me to say "screw you pall I am old, I will do what I like".  You see this an actual fact, the majority of the elderly are down right rude (not middle aged people before you start leaving comments) , and despite what they would have you believe young people aren't. I am sure that I am not the only one that has been casually shopping in Tesco to have my ankles bashed in by some random old sow, in her attempt to get to the Raisin All Bran, not even a "kiss my ass" let alone a thank you. I am sure I am not the only one to be mown down on the pavements of this fine Burgh by a psychotic old cow with a determined look in her eye heading for the post office on pension day.

Another myth perpetuated by losers is that young peoples intelligence is declining at a rapid rate due to video games and junk food and "in their generation" it wouldn't have been allowed, they all ate like saints and played with wooden hoops and a stick.  Exams are getting easier because young people are getting better grades.  Children's brains are like blobs of useless flubber according to this myth.  But guess what Children are actually getting cleverer, better nutrition, more advanced health care provision and revolutions in the teaching of children have led to steep increase in average intelligence since the 1950's. A significant minority of my parents generation were educationally sub-normal by modern standards, Forest Gump like thicko's with big opinions shuffling through existence with less intelligence than a steak and kidney pudding. 

So do you know what - "Huzzah!!" for the young and "Boo" for the old.  

Bye for now.

Good bye meritocracy !

With the news this morning that tosser education minister David Willetts has decided to allow any old sod to buy University places in the UK regardless of ability means effectively meritocracy in the UK is DEAD.  And do you know what the evil twat is dressing this up as? An opportunity for poor kids, apparently paying the full amount of fees is something readily available to people on council estates, "hang on I will just dip into my giro and pay your Oxford fees " honestly the fuck wit.  


Its over for us normals and our kids, now the halls of Universities will be packed with thick rich people that can't even get a good education when its spoon fed to them by the best schools in the country, blokes called Gerald who failed their A Levels because they spent all their time playing the Eton Wall Game and buggering the younger boys.   People whose daddies are have stupendously overpaid jobs or who owns great swathes of Berkshire.  Fools whose mummies spend the entire day ripped to the tits on gin in giant lonely houses contemplating shagging the help and have never, not even once, removed a shitty nappy from the arses of the over privileged offspring.


So what's next then for David Cameron's crappy Britain.


Well my bet is we are about to get a morality crusade, why do I say this I hear you ask?  It is rumoured that Right Wing Tories have been kicking off about fat Dave's broken promises on his commitment to the sacred union of marriage.  Being mean to people who aren't married is cheap, and a good bone to throw the rabid right to keep them from boiling over.  


Standby for a move towards Gay, Lesbian and Transgender bashing, ministers making sly comments about single parents taking council housing and young girls getting pregnant deliberately, underhand introductions to the National Curriculum lauding the benefits of a church of England marriage, Daily Mail headlines screaming about how sick the non-married are etc.


Don't say I didn't warn you !