Sunday, 29 May 2011

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Work of Genius

Looking at our private Google search terms would be revealing to say the least.  Mine for example would be a strange mix of politics, humour and PVC fetish websites (I jest of course before my enemies chalk up another thing they can nail me for), all thrown in with egotistical searches about my past "achievements". My wife's searches would be entirely dominated with pictures of amorphous girly Japanese boy band "Arashi" who are literally the least talented tuneless feckers ever to take breath and strangely have some universal "Ant and Decesque" appeal in the land of the rising sun.  (I know that this is an aside but, hell fire these people dominate my life, music in the kitchen. laptops with videos of their every move, screen savers, CDs, T-shirts  aghhh!!).

Revealing indeed then is a twitter account set up by a chap called Norman T.  Norman, cleverly or perhaps cruelly has told his 81 year old father that twitter is in fact Google search, every time his dad seeks information he is broadcasting to the twitterverse.  Over the last few months Norman's old pa has searched for the following.

angry all the time
Harry Truman liar
how many types of omlettes are there?
type of cloud long and gray?
what does e mail cost
cold toes
how do you pronounce juan
what is soy milk?

And many more ...If you like glimpsing into the mind of the elderly (and possibly insane) and you are on twitter I recommend following @oldmansearch.

In more mad old git news Harold Camping's prediction of the rapture unsurprisingly failed to materialise the trump of god was not heard, Evangelicals did not float and the 7 month tribulation is, as it stands not happening. Of course we can all expect more end of the world lunacy on the 21st of December 2012 when the Mayan calender ends and the focus will switch to those of a new age persuasion.

I am actually thinking of starting my own religion, perhaps we could have one of these kind of events once a month.

Bye for now !

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Ken Clarke to downgrade some killings to "mild murders"

Cigar Smoking Jazz fan and UK Justice secretary Ken Clarke has today announced that he intends to re-classify some murders as "mild murders".   Ken, who I used to like, states on a interview on this mornings SKY news "murdering involving the smushing of someone's  fizzog is by its by its very nature more serious than a drive by shoot out in south London or a mafia killing involving a stiletto knife shoved into the brain from the base of the neck".  "How can the we even treat these murders as the same thing?" he added while huffing and going all big faced and bloated.  Evil Tory MP Nadine Dorris added to the debate in her usual pathetic style"If murder victims learnt to just say no they would be allot less killings" said the wizened cow while playing with a set of Rosary beads.

Meanwhile murder campaigners have reacted to Ken's statements with incandescent rage , "just wait till I get hold of the fucker I will show him a mild murder" said Betty Outrage aged 55 from whatever the latest trendy suburb in London is called.  "if Ken had been murdered he would now exactly it feels" she added.

That's enough I think....

To finish a blank space.......as empty as my soul.

Monday, 16 May 2011

Christian Love in Action.

I respect Stephen Hawking I really do.  His books are interesting, and throughout his works the complex ideas of modern physics are explained to the ordinary bloke in a readable manner (well at least most of the time).  However, he is a deeply flawed individual who is sometimes wildly wrong, deeply unpleasant and arrogant about his obvious abilities.  Stephen has hit the headlines today, worldwide, with an interview with the Guardian where he claims that "Heaven is fairytale made up by people that are afraid of death" , a pretty standard Atheist statement to be honest - but the American religious Right have gone batshit crazy (including Sarah Palin) accusing him of some kind of satanic plot.  One of the best places to see the ignorant at work is of course twitter, all of the tweets below are genuine and I have kept the user names  deliberately in place to ensure the those guilty of this kind of vile crap cannot hide.  I am sure that the founder of the religion that many of these people profess, (who said "If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also.") would be utterly ashamed of these so called Christians. I leave you with their comments.

"@AliColeLive: Stephen Hawking's crippled backside can go to HELL!! I mean that with every atom of my Jesus loving body”

"@SammiSkene :Stephen Hawking is a fucking dumbass idiot."

"@awaterboarding for you Is this guy a liberal? Seriously, who would say something so stupid?=>Physicist Stephen Hawking Says There Is No Heaven !"

"@opieradio Stephen Hawking's is a prick for calling heaven a "fairy story" you need church. i don't care about your Notable Awards your still stupid"

"@jamesa18 Stephen Hawking only hates God because god fucked up his body"

"@EmpressRae So err, i'm reading these stephen hawking tweets and.. err and he calls heaven a fairy tale. Err, someone push him off his chair.."

"@LeezyFBaybee Stephen Hawking Man He Is Pretty Fucked Up Huh!?"

"@Sir_Dowling R.I.P. Stephen Hawking"

"@tamemaniac F**k Stephen Hawking,bitch ass dick sucker!!!"

"@natehartley Stephen Hawking is quoted as saying, "Heaven is a fairy tale." In response God said, Hence why I put him in a wheelchair."

Friday, 13 May 2011

Government Piss Up Still on.

Following lengthy consultation with absolutely nobody the government has decided today that it will be keeping its massive horde of posh booze stowed underneath the foreign office. The "government wine cellar" as it is known is worth an estimated £1 million and contains bottles and bottles of posh grog from limited edition Dom Perignon to stupidly expense whisky aged in the stomachs of kittens, or some such bollocks.  Now in a "time of austerity" you would imagine having fine wines for MP's and dignitaries would be low on the list of priorities of any government. Well not according to prize toss bag Henry Bellingham MP, Junior foreign office minister, who spent most of this afternoon telling the media that her majesty likes the best kind of pop when she visits and nothing but oak aged Plymouth Gin made by Devonshire maidens in the late 19th century will do.  I am sure the MP's are rubbing their greedy little paws together at the thought of woolfing down the vino at their next vol-au-ven lash up, I can almost see Eric Pickles salivating.

You see the thing about wine and spirits is this, good fine wines are appreciated by experts but the vast majority won't know the difference between a Chateau Lafite 1999 or a Lidls South African red, their taste buds scrambled by years of abuse eating Burger King and drinking Diet Iron Brew. I bet you a thousand quid if I were to serve Tesco's value Hock at a meeting of 1922 committee they would praise the choice of wine and break into some Etonian school song about what a chipper fellow I was.

Back in the real world Conservative Wandsworth Council have decided to charge local kids £2.50 for the use of local play parks demonstrating that they are meanest minded group of arseholes ever to draw breath. In modern Britain the rich and powerful play with fine wines and good food while poor children can't even use the bloody swings.

To finish my favourite Fry and Laurie sketch

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Age rubbish.

This morning I had the misfortune to be stuck in my Doctor's waiting room with an incredible winging old bag.  This grey beast from the depths of hades waddled in like some farting weeble and let rip a tirade of abuse to random strangers largely about the decline in the quality of young peoples values, and the fact that people weren't as friendly as they used to be.  The waiting room shifted from ass cheek to ass cheek uncomfortably avoiding eye contact in case she started to talk to them and unloaded her vile opinions in their direction. On the way back from the Doc's I popped into local (highly recommended) grocery emporium Thornes, to get some eggs, as I queued with the rest of the sane customers this midget silver haired fiend barged in front of me in the line, an action which seemed to me to say "screw you pall I am old, I will do what I like".  You see this an actual fact, the majority of the elderly are down right rude (not middle aged people before you start leaving comments) , and despite what they would have you believe young people aren't. I am sure that I am not the only one that has been casually shopping in Tesco to have my ankles bashed in by some random old sow, in her attempt to get to the Raisin All Bran, not even a "kiss my ass" let alone a thank you. I am sure I am not the only one to be mown down on the pavements of this fine Burgh by a psychotic old cow with a determined look in her eye heading for the post office on pension day.

Another myth perpetuated by losers is that young peoples intelligence is declining at a rapid rate due to video games and junk food and "in their generation" it wouldn't have been allowed, they all ate like saints and played with wooden hoops and a stick.  Exams are getting easier because young people are getting better grades.  Children's brains are like blobs of useless flubber according to this myth.  But guess what Children are actually getting cleverer, better nutrition, more advanced health care provision and revolutions in the teaching of children have led to steep increase in average intelligence since the 1950's. A significant minority of my parents generation were educationally sub-normal by modern standards, Forest Gump like thicko's with big opinions shuffling through existence with less intelligence than a steak and kidney pudding. 

So do you know what - "Huzzah!!" for the young and "Boo" for the old.  

Bye for now.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Good bye meritocracy !

With the news this morning that tosser education minister David Willetts has decided to allow any old sod to buy University places in the UK regardless of ability means effectively meritocracy in the UK is DEAD.  And do you know what the evil twat is dressing this up as? An opportunity for poor kids, apparently paying the full amount of fees is something readily available to people on council estates, "hang on I will just dip into my giro and pay your Oxford fees " honestly the fuck wit.  


Its over for us normals and our kids, now the halls of Universities will be packed with thick rich people that can't even get a good education when its spoon fed to them by the best schools in the country, blokes called Gerald who failed their A Levels because they spent all their time playing the Eton Wall Game and buggering the younger boys.   People whose daddies are have stupendously overpaid jobs or who owns great swathes of Berkshire.  Fools whose mummies spend the entire day ripped to the tits on gin in giant lonely houses contemplating shagging the help and have never, not even once, removed a shitty nappy from the arses of the over privileged offspring.


So what's next then for David Cameron's crappy Britain.


Well my bet is we are about to get a morality crusade, why do I say this I hear you ask?  It is rumoured that Right Wing Tories have been kicking off about fat Dave's broken promises on his commitment to the sacred union of marriage.  Being mean to people who aren't married is cheap, and a good bone to throw the rabid right to keep them from boiling over.  


Standby for a move towards Gay, Lesbian and Transgender bashing, ministers making sly comments about single parents taking council housing and young girls getting pregnant deliberately, underhand introductions to the National Curriculum lauding the benefits of a church of England marriage, Daily Mail headlines screaming about how sick the non-married are etc.


Don't say I didn't warn you !




  

Monday, 9 May 2011

Last nights TV with the Village Idiot - Atlantis.

I'm a sucker for a good explosion epic and have in the past been glued to BBC documentaries on the subject of things blowing up including Hiroshima, Krakatoa and Pompei all of which the BBC presented in an informative manner.  Now you would imagine this would continue you after all the BBC does swallow a great load of my cash every year on the promise they are going to entertain and educate me.

Enter last nights BBC1 pile of shite, Atlantis.  Billed as a factual representation of the fall of Atlantis (come on BBC conjecture at best!!) it actually was dramatisation of the fall of the Minoan civilisation which some and I mean some people inspired Plato's Atlantis stories.  

To be honest the whole thing was poorly thrown together and crammed with odd bits of reject material from the Doctor Who episode the Fires of Pompei, and what appeared like occasional graphics from early 90's hack fest computer game Golden Axe 2.  For no explicable reason whatsoever the directors of said putrid pile decided to focus 20 minutes at least (well it seemed that long) on some bloke jumping over a bull in a pair of soiled pants, slowed down in a manner to look like the Matrix.  I was half expecting Neo to pop out from behind a pillar and Kung Fu the bull to death.  Irritatingly the whole thing was saturated in a commentary by Tom Conti which perpetually reminded me off his drunk Father role from the episode of friends were Ross says Rachel at the altar or something  (not that I have ever watched friends you understand....honestly).  The rest of the action seemed to be  a blur of cockney gibberish all serving as a vehicle for the big blast bit were the Volcano does its thang and trashes to Minoans for good in a firey furnace.  The end tidal wave sequence looked so hammy it could have been served with a mustard honey glaze, the nearby islands swallowed in a wave seemingly borrowed from a Godzilla movie accompanied by people in togas screaming.

While we are on the subject of BBC rubbish programmes I must, and I mean must comment on Saturday nights latest crap fest from Endemol, the makers of Big Brother - Don't Scare the Hare.  Apparently the concept of Don't scare the hare has been doing the rounds online for some time and that it was hoped that its bizarre imagery and ludicrous rules would eventually become cult viewing, perhaps there is even an element of in jokery going on among media types.  Sadly it is just shit, in fact I would go as far as saying it is the most diabolical load of tosh ever to grace my TV screen and please remember I watched El Dorado . Presented by that bald bloke of the gadget show and a giant robotic hare (also with commentary from Penzance resident Sue Perkins, Sue I love you why have you done this!), this is a TV crime beyond all comparison and should never, ever have been commissioned.  Apparently if you scare the hare you loose your carrots, honestly what the hell does that mean!  

BBC you lazy planks give me my license fee back !

To finish a section from Don't scare the hare - beware this is likely to confuse and bewilder.


Sunday, 8 May 2011

If Margaret Thatcher gets a state funeral then so should I.

Margaret Thatcher.....wear do I start. Recent speculation about Lady Thatchers health has raised the spectre of her request for a state funeral, undoubtedly the current stinking government will grant this ludicrous request  to the old bag and line the streets with soldiers and flags. So why the fuss from people like me about Thatch and her legacy.

Margaret Thatcher and her cronies were the singly most divisive force in recent "British" history forcing a wedge down the middle of the nation that we have never recovered from.  Her hatred for the culture and politics of working people drove her to destroy whole communities and smash their social institutions, there economics and there hope.

He insane monetary policy in the early days if her reign that of "restricting the money supply" meant literally that we had less money forcing a hideous recession which drove manufacturing out of Britain (I admit it was in a shabby state) leaving service industries and finance left.  The same finance industries that went belly up in 2007/2008, the same industries propped up by Major, Blair and Brown.  Every single school boy economics student can tell you if you have just tertiary industries and no primary or secondary your economy is destined for collapse.  Its like having a car with no wheels or an engine, its just plain common sense.  Thatch also introduced the idea of a debt driven economy an idea that resulted in the extraordinary figure by 2007 of £1 Trillion worth of personal debt (excluding mortgages), unsustainable beyond imagination.

She introduced flat taxation that punished the poor and rewarded the rich.  The 1987 budget was the single most irresponsible act of the late 20th century.  Stoking the most unfair boom ever, which ultimately resulted in a grinding crash that wrecked the hopes of my generation, with the exception of the super talented and well off (which I am certainly not one).   She led a hideous campaign of hatred towards gay and lesbian people, a moral crusade against single parents and anyone who didn't have her morality.The unrestricted sale of council houses led to the collapse of social housing provision in Britain.  Homeless people still struggle to find homes still because they have all disappeared off the register.  I know! I have been homeless.

And lastly the Free Market and Neo-Liberal ideology she trumpeted was a delusional corruption beyond comparison. Real Liberal economics can be a good thing, in fact Keynesian economics is a kind of Liberal ideology.   The sale of national assets in the UK was dressed up in a cloak of popular share ownership when in fact the shares were passed mostly to the super-corporations.  The resulting companies themselves were monopolies based on the idea of profit not competition, there is no real choice, you are just making people rich.  Its like having a street market with one huge stall owned by a single individual and nothing else.  For that very reason, health, education and important public services should not be subject to these market rules.

You can ignore all of the above if you like, you may disagree with me.  Because of that very strong range of feelings that people have about this woman, you must not, cannot, view her as worthy of an honour that is associated the status of National hero. Will you give the same honour to Blair, Major or Brown?  They were "wartime leaders", will you reward Blair's criminality with a parade, Major's ineptitude, Brown's lack of foresight?

In summary if you give Thatch a parade I bloody well want one, I want horses, soldiers, guns, a big buffet, the Queen, and a host of weeping blue rinsed old ladies.  All because I have been just as dislikeable as the old trout herself, I have been just as divisive and horrid as she has.  I am after all human just like she is and my passing should equally as grand.

To finish Spitting Image.

Saturday, 7 May 2011

I blame you.

This afternoon I have been sitting around starring into space contemplating how the hell I ended up were I am now.  I mean I didn't plan to be sitting here in a flat in St Clare Street earning next to nothing, dosed up on huge amounts of drugs and earning next to sod all.  I didn't imagine for a second that my life would be so complicated and eccentric.Well do you know what I blame you ! Yes I blame you for all my ills.  I blame you for giving the friggin disease that has blighted my life by dragging my brain into the gutter, I blame you for passing me that little gem.  For that act of nature that passed me that little virus that did the damage, for the countless operations, heart disease, eye damage and wonky bits, its all your fault!

I blame you for making my so utterly distrusting of human kindness, that it is impossible for me to get close to anyone , you did that.  I remember the moment when I first realised that fact, 18 years ago on a bus looking out the window with a 1000 yard stare across some grotty council estate, "I will never trust anyone again" what a frightening thought for someone to have at any age.  The fact that I hit the booze, smoked like a tyre fire and filled my life full of junk was just to blank out that thought, that moment..

I blame you for lying to me about what you really were, that you were in fact mad as a frothing goat, sectionable, loony tunes, bazzoony, whacko, nut job. Why did you think that it was OK to be so utterly objectionable and hurtful and why to this day do you still lie to yourself about me.

The fear of death, the loneliness, the horror of out of control debt, you did it to me!  When I lay in that bed   knowing that I may never see the world again, I hated you.

And now time has passed and age is catching up with me quicker than it would for a "normal" man and I fear most of all that I have wasted my time with these feelings.  What horror have I become?  Have I let you seep into me to such an extent that I am now the one that hurts others, the one to blame.

But the real nightmare is knowing that YOU are ME. I am the one to blame and the only way to every feel better again is to forgive me.

Tomorrow normal service resumes with a diatribe about the Tories were I conclude that David Cameron will be shoved up Judas Iscariot's arse in the afterlife.

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Just shut up.

In health fascism news , former Nazi supporters The Daily Mail report today that "just a little belly fat increases you risk of heart disease" adding to their increasingly long list of things that will kill you stone dead if you shove them down your face or have them on your body. As people will be aware the Daily Mail loves a good health scare or moral panic to satisfy the distrust and paranoia of their readers.   Recent scares  have included, milk at bedtime, blowing your nose, sex, facebook, twitter and corsets. For those who don't understand life and death I will introduce you to a very basic premise of existence, we all friggin die, in fact we all are destined to be broken down into a sub atomic particles,  its the called the second law of thermodynamics people. While health research is invaluable to our species, quoting some half baked theory about blueberry's giving you willy cancer or facebook rotting your face is pointless scaremongering designed to control people.

Actually I hate the Mail more than any other publication that has ever been.  I hate it so much I could scream my head off every time I see it in the Newsagents.  I hate its lies, its Tory Propoganda, its thinly veiled racism oh I could go on..........

As Hugh Laurie once said  "I've always been a Daily Mail reader. I prefer it to a newspaper."

For the record here is my guide to real world for Mail readers

1) The EU is a bloated, semi democratic, flawed institution but it has never recommended that we call our sausages "High Fat Low Protein Offal Tubes".
2) Princess Diana was not a Saint.
3) Animal cruelty is not the norm in British Society, despite what the Mail thinks working class people do not spend all day beating their gerbils to within an inch of their life.
4) Britain is not crawling with Asylum seekers, and for the record without Polish people the entire economy of the UK would grind to a halt.
5) Blowing your nose after drinking coffee will not dislodge your eye balls.
6) While we all may have enjoyed Pippa Middleton's arse at the Royal Wedding it is not a suitable subject for a 2 page spread criticising her for upstaging the bride.
7) Peter Hitchens should not be unleashed on humanity, ever.
8) Likewise Richard Littlejohn.
9) Gay people are not strange and lonely, and it is not remotely acceptable to say so.
10) And lastly and most importantly, science is fact not a religious option.

To finish the Daily Cancer Mail song.


Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Vote Yes.

I have to ignore the NEWS today its getting a bit frightening and no doubt the result of the AV referendum tomorrow will be just as mind boggling, the polls are looking terrible.  But here goes, I have to try and make you lot see why we need a change in the voting system.

Lets get the facts out first, the newly proposed system AV is not perfect its not really proportional but its better than first past the post. To be truthful I would prefer the STV system or AV+ as electoral systems but hey you get what your given by this putrid government and its remarkable that we have this referendum at all.

AV however does reflect the real world far better than first past the post elections, this is why.  Every single election in recent history has allowed for a party which has minority support to run the "United Kingdom" like a fascist state, first past the post has an unfortunate quirk in multi-party elections meaning that if you have more than party they can win by having far less than 50% support.

I will give you an example of what I am talking about;


Penzance West 2002 District Council Election.
PartyCandidateVotes%±%
Liberal DemocratSimon Reed47938.2
IndependentSam Ryan30824.6
ConservativeJames Champion30724.5
IndependentMalcolm Lawrence1239.8
UKIPMichael Faulkner373.0
Majority17113.6
Turnout1,25446.7
(By the way my political affiliation has changed since this date and I am no longer a paid up member of any party, no offence to any of them, just been a bit poorly lately).


I won ! Yay! But lets look at the numbers 61% did not want me to be their councillor.  Even though I won this was an unfair result, yes I should not have won.  AV would give people a second choice, a second preference that would be truly democratic - IE the majority would have expressed some support for the winner.  


Blair in 1997 had 43% support - Not a majority.
Thatcher in 1987 had 42% - Not a majority.
In fact in 1951 a government won an election with less votes than the runners up! The current system sucks.


But the real, real reason to vote yes is to piss David Cameron off.  Nick Clegg is toxic as hell his days are numbered, forget him.  Dave wants to have the current system because it gives his group of right wing lunatics more power than they actually deserve, it allows him to bully us like some kind of banana republic President.  Give him a metaphorical slap, make George Osborne's smug grin drop of his face for a while.


Now I know that some of my fellow Cornish bloggers have made the point that this referendum is in fact a distraction from the real issue of the erosion of the Cornish border in recent changes to constituencies and that people should vote for Cornwall by spoiling their ballot paper.  I agree that the changes are wrong and the choices on offer damn the Cornish border issue whatever side wins, but I would urge my fellow Cornish issue enthusiasts to consider these facts.  First, spoilt ballot papers with messages never get any kind of reporting (In 2004 someone wrote next to my name "FUCK OFF" with a big arrow, a comment that disappeared into history) its a protest that registers only with those counting the ballots.  Secondly, this system allows for increased electoral support for minority parties such as Mebyon Kernow or the Cornish Democrats, furthering the cause of proper recognition and devolution.  Lastly, David Cameron is hammering the living crap out of Cornwall, lets annoy him for 24 hours by voting yes.


Yes2AV will in all likelihood come in 2nd tomorrow but a few more votes won't do any harm and hopefully one day we will get a fair voting system.

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Government raises terror level to puce.

With the death of mass murdering Arsenal supporting git Osama Bin Laden the government have raised the national security level from shocking pink to puce.  This upgrade is a clear indication that scores of burkha wearing muslamic suicide bombers will be roaming the countryside looking for targets at random, leaping like enraged goats into the paths of school buses, shitting on the door steps of local councils and generally
bringing the nation to its knees.  I for one am crapping my self at thought of an attack on local businesses, perhaps even the Rowe's pasty shop in Causewayhead, just imagine the carnage as the Reggae Reggae chicken pasties are ejected in an explosion, decapitating the local tramps and hobbling sick claimants as they walk to down the street, oh the humanity! Local coppers powers will now be extended to allow the shooting on site of people of slightly suspicious appearance and permission to use flame throwers on anti social behaviour enthusiasts gathering outside the towns numerous dodgy kebab joints after 11pm.

Meanwhile in the Pakistani town of Abbottabad the locals are enjoying the unlikely limelight, including one 10 year old boy who told SKY news of the gift of two black and white bunnies given to him by the World's most wanted man who have now been taken out the back and whacked across the neck with the shovel as possible members of the Pakistan Taliban.  Osama Bin Laden of course who lived at number 22 Baka Laka Daka Street (see Team America World Police) has been wanted since 1994 by the USA who should have really checked Google Maps as this search will reveal, you see lads it was marked on Google maps all along I bet you feel foolish now.

To finish Bin Laden in a blender,

Sunday, 1 May 2011

Right wing goal keeper is "Saint".

Paedophilia enthusiast group the "Roman Catholic Church" has today performed a ancient ceremony elevating former Polish goal keeper Karol Józef Wojtyła to the level of a near Saint.  Also known as Pope John Paul the 2nd , Karol was also famous for putting back the cause of responsible religious thought by at 100 years by letting third world people die in a massive AIDS epidemic because condoms are just downright wrong.  Condoms, or little rubber satans as they are sometimes known, prevent the creation of life through the demonic action known as non-permeable rubber barrier blockage an action so heinous that it is often thought that Jack the Ripper, Ivan the Terrible and all of the members N-dubz have been at some time influenced by the process.  


Current holder of the office of Pope Adolf Raztinger the first, is now looking for a gang of deluded over 80's to claim that Karol performed miracles by curing their gammy toe, piles or testicle elephantiasis ensuring that he can now be called St John Paul of Krakow or something and assume his seat at the right hand of god.  As a certified and ordained minister of the Universal Life Church I have now been asked by his holiness to create of list of things for St John Paul to be patron of so far the short list appears like this;


1) Episodes 2-5 of season 1 of 1990's kids comedy Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
2) The tweetdeck application for twitter.
3) Rosevidney.
4) TV Shopping channel Bid TV.
5) Lindsay Lohan's left boob.


All other suggestions should be sent to the vatican direct via carrier pidgeon.

Friday, 29 April 2011

How to become a Lord.

I hope you all had a wonderful day, I certainly did especially when I decided to turn off the the Royal Wedding commentators and play the Star Wars Imperial March, the effect was like honey dripped magic, as the Welsh guards marched up the Mall it seemed to transform them into jack booted brown shirts intent on storming the Reichstag.

At about 11.30am I cried like a baby.........I really did......the reason; my wife punched me in the back of my big bald head for making one two many smart arse comments about Prince Philips slitty eyes joke.  It seems the Japanese are more respectful of our Royal family than we are.

I want to thank the Royals for providing me with the best comedy material since the banking crisis of 2007 and I want to also thank the users of twitter for creating the best word of 2011 so far - QILF,

My award for outraged comment of the day comes from a twitter user who declared without any sense of hyperbole that "All those who don't like the Royal Wedding should be thrown out of the country or shot".  Bloody hell its just a wedding love, I didn't ban you from Heamoor when you didn't line the streets for my weddings(s), for gawds sake.

Well I wish the Saxe Coburg Und Gothas a happy future,  all humans deserve happiness, just as all humans should enjoy equality, liberty and a life free from illness, poverty and ignorance.  I am of course "just a dreamer" though and I doubt if it matters what I say.

Turning the attendees at the wedding, I became all nerdy at about 2pm wondering who the hell all these assorted Lord and Ladies were so I wikipediaed (is that a word) more information about the peerage system in the UK, just out of a sense of righteous indignation you understand.  Seemingly in the UK there are 2 kinds of aristocrat those with substantive titles like Dukes and Earls and Barons and those with Honorary titles.  Honorary titles apply to those who are close relative of the real title holders such as the eldest son of a Earl who is a "Lord" or the eldest son of Baronet an "Honourable", you get the picture.  But wait a second look at this more closely, here's the real kick in the crutch.  These fawning mewling titles have never been enshrined in law and are....made up by the aristocrats themselves to give added status to the "fruit of their loins".  In fact anyone can style themselves as "Lord" or "Lady" there are no rules.  So you lot have been bowing and cooing etc for no constitutional reason whatsoever, my god I feel foolish.

That being the case I have decided to create my own order of peerage to honour the people of this great nation (Cornwall).  I Simon the High King of St Clare Flats do hereby declare that anyone that fills out the following form and send it to me shall be styled High Lord of the nation of Kernow.

Name_______________________________________________________

Title you wish to assume _______(eg Lord of Treneere)_________________

Amount you are bunging me in pounds sterling _________________________

Date _________________________________________________________

Favourite Doctor Who______________(eg not Colin Baker)


In my first honours list I wish to anoint Mr Grevis Williams for services to folk music now to be known as Lord Banjo String.

Mr Craig Weatherhill for services to beards - who shall be known as Baron Guinness of Newbridge.


And of course Mr Simon Reed for services to feck all and shall be known as Lord Special Brew.


God save the King and all that.

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Unforgivable.

In moron news, Eton educated plank David Cameron himself as popular as an incontinent dog yesterday by insulting Labour MP Angela Eagle during a fraught Prime Minister's questions.  David, who was squawking on about some irrelevant crap and going all red faced and sweaty for no perceptible reason, turned to Ms Eagle and said "Calm down dear" in a effort to patronise the living shit out of her and show the kids how "street" he is by quoting something off the telly. Equally inane tosser George Osborne then guffawed like a 8 year old, his chins bellowing out from under his smug face like a wobbly, sour milk jelly.   Tory MP's rose to their feet in jubilation as one, "that'll teach her the feminist cow!!" they seemed to be screaming.

Now lets set aside the fact that Dave seems to have lost the ability to know when a joke is appropriate, and lets ignore the obviously sexist tone of his comments and focus on his most grievous sin.  It is never, and I mean never OK to quote Michael Winner.  Michael Winner is famous for making the rather entertaining but deeply flawed Death Wish trilogy, the essential message of which can be summarised as Liberals are stupid and even they would turn to violence if they were a victim of crime.  Shit my daughter has been raped I better grow a moustache go and kill a load of people that have nothing to do with it!!  Mr Winner is also the only man in history to receive an apology on national TV for a comment made about the state of his underpants, clearly showing were his priorities lie.

The real reason I don't like Mike is that he is continually shoving his wealth down your face , "look at me I wiping my arse with a wad of £50 notes", "look, look I have my nads washed every day by nubile dusky maidens", "my god I am so rich I have champers for brekkers every day while the servants look on".   Enough already, I am poor you are rich we get it Mike.

Tomorrow a real news story possibly the hilarious fact that Prince William is his own Fourth Cousin.

Monday, 18 April 2011

Gawd bless 'em.

Royal wedding fever gathers a pace all over our nations TV stations with BBC1 devoting a slot every 30 minutes grinning tossers talking about what a credit to the country Prince William of Wales and his "blushing" bride are.  Sniveling dirt bag David "Eton Mess" Cameron has informed us all to ignore the law and shut streets willy nilly because "he is the Prime minister", (If I did this I would flayed alive by Cornwall Council).  ITV1 at every ad break roll out Adrian Chiles and his saucepot daybreak co-host Christine Bleakley in the hope that we all be warmed by his gentle midlands humour and her good looks into turning over to ITV on the morning of the 29th of April.  The nations co-ops are lined with Royal Wedding merchandise, mugs, albums ......aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


I am now going to explain why I really, really hate this crap.


The Royal family are a questionable institution at the best of times, they absorb huge chunks of state resources to prop up the lifestyles of a bunch of basically, Germans.  There real surname isn't Windsor, Wales or any affectation but either Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg if you use Prince Phillips real surname or Herzogtum Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha if you use the Queens real maiden name.  The institution itself is soooo outdated that the vast majority of reasonable humans ditched the concept of "god choosing" their leaders centuries ago.  Does anyone actually buy the idea that Frau Herzogtum Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha was chosen by the almighty to be rich on our behalf?  Do you think god is up there  thinking to himself "do you know what a short woman who looks like she is perpetually angry is just what this nation needs", really ?  Do you?  Are you that insane?  


Anyway the real reason that I hate this Royal Wedding is not because of the participants, Wills seems sort of decent enough sort of chap for a multi-millionaire, Catherine Middleton has a small chance of a rescuing the genetic cul-de-sac of the Windsors which I see as a service to medicine, so bravo. All humans have the right to a happy family life after all. I really hate this wedding because of what it symbolises.


You see in the 19th and 20th Centuries the Royals cut a deal with politicians, it goes like this 


Royals "We will retreat into the backround and let you run the country on our behalf"
Politicians "But hang on the public will ask why we still give you loads of cash and bow and stuff if you are no longer running the country directly"
Royals "Pretend we represent the ultimate BRITISH FAMILY and BRITISH MIDDLE CLASS FAMILY VALUES that will give you an excuse to keep throwing us huge amounts of wonga"
Politicians " But isn't it a real Royal tradition to shag your way through the staff , your cousins, the corgi's I mean EVERYTHING, and aren't you German anyway"
Royals "Yes, we will pretend the shagging doesn't happen, set us up as some moral crusade for middle class values, that will give us a purpose....oh and we will change our German names"


So the Royal Wedding on one level is a personal celebration of a couples love for each other but to the Church, the Tories and the Upper Middle classes its a way of shoving their values down our throats.  Wills and Kate are just as likely to be banging their horsey set mates within ten years as Mummy and Daddy were but for 1 day in late April they will be held up as examples to us of what we should aspire to.


So I for one will be booing myself hoarse on April 29th as the Royal couple celebrate their nuptials in the hope that one day , meritocracy, freedom and equality are seen as more important than a "right royal knees up".  











Sunday, 17 April 2011

A picture paints a thousand words.

Badger culling is an emotive subject on one hand we have farmers and livestock owners who avidly advocate throttling the buggers and badger lovers who think they are lovely, cuddly, puddingy sort of creatures who should be left in peace.  Now I tend to gravitate towards the latter, however I have a strong feeling that the owners of the West Briton and their online news facility www.thisiscornwall.co.uk may disagree with me.  In an article this week Police raise concerns that local farmers might conduct "a big society badger cull" in other words doing it themselves instead of waiting for permission from the government. Despite the hilarious notion of "big society" culling , I nearly hooted out loud when I saw the picture chosen to accompany the article.

Yes, the badger in this picture looks like its running at the screen with the single and binding intention to rip your face off.  You can imagine the screams of horror  from passing farmers as the ferocious beast charge their cattle causing them to catch TB in pure fear.  Clearly the West Briton wants us to think that badgers are dangerous wild animals and not at all fluffy, cuddly or appealing to small children. 

In a Village Idiot exclusive I can now confirm that Badgers as well as being vicious terrible creatures akin to fluffy demons they are also thieves, here in fact is a picture showing a badger nicking a mountain bike.

In unrelated real news, can I thank Penzance Town council for their get well soon card signed by a majority of their staff and a goodly percentage of their Councillors - many thanks folks its nice to feel appreciated.







Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Last nights TV with the Village Idiot.

Insomnia driving me mad last night I was forced to watch Brian Cox's wonders of the Solar System.  Now Brian has a very popular following especially among the ladies of the nation, who seem to go for the whiny voice and pokemon hairstyle like excrement off a stick.  I however have a very serious problem with our Brian and that is, I have a continual urge to smash his mush flat.   I can't for the life of me explain why, the content of his programmes are entertaining, but I Just can't help wanting to smush his boyish good looks into a pile of red jelly.  Does Brian in fact have (at least to me) Britain's most bashable face?  About a week ago I was discussing my cox problem with a very pleasant lady at the local book shop, apparently she has the very same feeing about Theology Doc Francesca Stavrakopoulou who recently graced our TV screens in  fascinating BBC documentary series "The Bible's buried secrets".  In particular she seemed to have taken a particular dislike to Dr  Stavrakopoulou's green dress (seen above) which she claimed never left her during the entire series.  I have to confess to having slightly different thoughts about the Doc, very different thoughts indeed...[sigh]...Could it be that we grown adults were resentful or jealous of our better looking gender counterparts?  As a younger man I was, I have to confess I was great deal prettier than now, maybe my dislike of Coxy, is that he is bloody 42 and does not look like a poorly balanced baked potato?

Even with this in mind Brian is in fact very annoying indeed and that if he says "we are all made of stars" in a wistful voice while starring at the sky once more, I swear I will hunt him down like a rabid fox and get Patrick Moore to sit on the fucker.  Whats even worse is that Cox was in New Labour anthem creators D.ream,  who performed ear bleedingly bad 1990's song "things can only get better" which proved to be less accurate than we all hoped.

So in summary ...successful pop career, brain the size of a planet, youthful good looks even in middle age, of course I am bloody jealous...git.

Unfortunate name of the year award.

Its your fault! No, its your fault! I told you so!

Yes, the Penzance Harbour debate swings on with things getting deep down and nasty from some quarters, people slagging off commentators abilities to comment due to the fact they are [gasp!] folk musicians on newspaper forums, Chamber of commerce newsletters with alleged libelous content, online petitions calling for the portfolio holder for OBE insults to resign (click on link to find out more). You get the picture.  As I have officially quit from having a view about local matters such as these as I have no plans to publicly give my damn opinion on the in and outs of Norman Bakers decision, I am trying to avoid a second heart attack for pity's sake.  (Please god don't let this post become a forum thread on whom is the biggest "grumble and grunt" in the town.)

But I will say one thing, our local MP Andrew George seems to have chosen a rather unfortunate name for his working group that he hopes will save the IOS link.

Now I am sure he had a little chuckle when he came up with "coalition of the willing" but it is unfortunately the very same phrase used by mind boggling war monger George W  Bush for his rag tag group of supporters for the illegal Iraq war.  Coalition of the willing to me conjures up the following image, a group of insignificant lap dog poodles suckering up to the boss who are only involved because all the serious players have done a runner, providing token support to a mad man at the helm who has a massive chip on his shoulder about the subject at hand.   

I think on reflection a better name should and could be chosen for this group.

Suggestions on a postcard to
The Village Idiot
C/O St Just Madhouse
St Just 
Cornwall.



Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Bigot tackles drowning moron.

This is the NEWS...sort of....Gillian Duffy famous low level racist and Gordon Brown baiter has this morning tackled increasingly robotic "Liberal" "Democrat" leader Nick Clegg over his membership of the coalition government.  "Look me in the eyes and tell me you are happy with the government cuts" frothed Gillian, 66 whose hobbies include knitting, international Nazi Hunting and draughts.  In reply Nick, aged 44 and former "toast rack" for public school topper wearing toffs replied, "Whoever was in power now, any government would have to take difficult decisions,".   Mrs Duffy responded "That's just the same speech I heard him give an hour earlier on the radio", her eyes bugging out on stalks like a giant alien insect.

This follows a leaked email from Warren Bradley leader of the Lib Dems on Liverpool council in which he calls for Nick to run for the hills from the evils of the coalition.  Apparently Warren is concerned that the Lib Dems might disappear into the ether at the next set of elections never to be seen again.  A very real fear when you consider the views of people like my parents who have spent 20 odd years of their life backing a candidate who promises to "stop the Tories" only to find they are now in government with them, in my dads words "I will never vote Lib Dem again as long as I live".  Even as I write I find it hard to reconcile Nick's position with the some of our hard working well meaning local Councillors who I know and respect.

In local ignorance news, a little birdy tells me that a local resident spotted a "bendy bus" in Penzance Town Centre and nearly had a schizoid embolism, running  to the nearest Penzance Councillor to raise the roof like some enraged Boris Johnson.   Apparently it just wouldn't do to have a bus that bent in the middle in the beautiful high streets of this glorious borough.  Humiliation followed when it turned out that First Bus were just doing repairs on it in Penzance as their Plymouth Depot was a bit busy, and they had no plans to introduce aforementioned bending vehicles to local services.   Speaking of ignorance its been a while since we in Penzance had a good old fashioned moral panic (not since the great fountain debate of 2007),so can I just start the rumour that Wetherspoons have bought the Market House in Penzance as Lloyds have sold it as part of their disposal of 600 branches, its an absolute lie but lets see how long before I get to hear it repeated to me. 


To finish Yuri Gagarin who 50 years ago today became the first human in space.



Monday, 11 April 2011

Do we live in a democracy?

My previous post concerning my loathing for Halifax ads had a little post script on recent developments at Cornwall Council which seems to have attracted some attention.  In particular people are asking the question do we live in a Democracy ?

About 15 years ago a general trend started to emerge in the way we run our public services.  The leaders of Britain begun to believe that the best way to make people happy is by setting targets for their well being. For example if they increase the level of hip operations, kids reading, criminals locked up etc etc then we on the whole will be happier.   Faith in the ability for ordinary people to make decisions about these targets evaporated, the general feeling that people were too stupid to make decisions that made them better became entrenched.  They are cleverer and more capable than us at least they think so.

Very slowly local authorities lost their democratic powers which were replaced with "governance" powers which work like this.  The government decides what all local Councils must do to the very letter of the law and in 90% of all council decisions Councillors are managing these targets on behalf of the central controllers, the experts that set the targets and a very small circle of politicians. Councillors are now "trained" to make decisions and are unable to make independent decisions on behalf of the community. To ensure that "key opinion formers" continue to believe that they have some control they are herded into talking shops, forums, consultation groups, local area networks etc where they largely moan about their own neighbourhood, the fast food shop on the corner, the dog poop, and the late bin collection etc.  The accepted name for these people among the powerful is "useful idiots" the very same phrase once used by the Soviets to describe their supporters in the West in the cold war.  The phrase "post democratic society" is used openly in philosophical discussions about public services.

Meanwhile national democracy is fundamentally flawed.  Not since the 1940's has a majority party governed in Britain, even in the 1997 election 45% voted for Labour, a minority.  Our election system with or without AV is broken (even though I will vote yes in May).  In Britain we rarely notice that unlike other Western nations the people are not sovereign, Parliament is.  Parliament of course is now so out of touch that we have MP's that do not even comprehend the outside world they run.

The biggest scandal though is that we are now governed by 2 major groups that exert influence way beyond national boundaries.  Those with the theories and those with the cash.  Those with the theories set the trend that ALL parties follow regardless of their history.  When the current economic expert says we need to cut public services, all parties do.  The big companies especially the banks influence way beyond national boundaries interfering through with as many decisions as they can to ensure they can continue to trade at privileged levels, those who create the theories often come from similarly privileged backgrounds who benefit from money created from these practices.

So in summary.  A small super rich elite "know" our needs and "know" we are too stupid to make our own decisions, they "kindly" set targets for our happiness.  Even the moderately well off are excluded from decisions.  Central democracy is flawed, under influence from business and governed by those with the current theories.

Funny enough I do believe in Democracy, a Liberal Democracy as it is described in the constitution of Liberal Democrats "a fair, free and open society, in which we seek to balance the fundamental values of liberty, equality and community, and in which no one shall be enslaved by poverty, ignorance or conformity"


(I think my next post will be the death of British liberalism)

So do we live in a Democracy . Do we arse.

S

P-isa off.

Is it me or is the most irritating thing on the TV at the moment the bloody isa advert from state owned money grabbers the Halifax.  Now the whole thing is just bloody ghastly to watch, some bloke mentions isa's, his gormless female friend plays 1990 hit "Ice Ice Baby" (by poor mans MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice) in some apparently "hilarious" parody of the word Isa and then bops her head like your dad at a disco.  While the smug gits jive away we are all encouraged to run down to the Halifax and help bail out the failed bank by lining their coffers with our cash,.  Its a self congratulating vomit of an ad that makes me sick to my very guts.  And of course we are paying for it.  Click here to have your soul destroyed.

More galling than some silly cow moving her head like a demented meerkat is of course the conclusion of this mornings bank review which in summary states "do what you like lads" and leaves the banking sector pretty much intact guaranteeing some where down the line we are going to have to put our hands in our pockets again.  One of the main recommendations of Sir John Vickers review is create a firewall between retail banking and commercial investment banking, of course this is deeply unrealistic, unworkable and placing trust in companies that cannot be trusted.

Speaking of travesties, it seems that Cornwall Council descent into undemocratic farce continues unabated with the NEWS that portfolio holder for Transport, Blood Letting and Nazi Analogies Cllr G Hicks has ordered the closure of the Council's parking panel.  BBC's blogger Graham Smith reports that this email was received mysteriously in his inbox

Eliot (sic),
Cllr Hicks has asked me to cancel the Panel meeting on Wednesday and to
terminate the Panel.
Can this be done pl. Kate, we need to tell the guy from Looe.
Peter Moore - Local Transport Manager 
The Chairman of the Panel was until its demise Cllr Andrew Wallis from Porthleven who has on occasions voiced some concerns about the current regime.  Any hint of revenge is purely coincidental I am sure.  What really matters to me though is if this is even legal?  Abandoning a panel without democratic mandate would have been just 10 years ago a heinous crime, but since the rise of cabinet government in councils executive powers seem to be the order of the day.  Simply put ordinary Councillors can do nothing about anything, occasionally they are bunged a panel or committee where they talk allot about a subject, the results of which are roundly ignored by the leaders of their authority.

Bye for now......

Saturday, 9 April 2011

Merry Christmas!

No I have not gone mad, fear not.   This morning while looking for something completely different I bumped into a pro Islamic website called "Is Xmas Evil".   Although the website itself is pretty standard "join my religion" stuff the authors version of the 12 days of Christmas made me snort pepsi through my nose with laughter.  While I mostly get socks for  Christmas this is apparently what this gentleman believes is the typical Christmas holiday in modern Britain.



On the 1st day of christmas my true love gave to me an S....T....D.
On the 2nd day debt
On the 3rd rape
On the 4th teenage pregnancy
Followed By An Abortion
Raves
Claiming God Has A Son
  • Blasphemy
  • Exploitation
  • Promiscuity
  • Night Clubs
  • Crime
  • Paedophilia
  • Paganism
  • Domestic Violence
  • Homelessness
  • Alcohol
  • Drugs...

Well I have to say that this is busy Christmas even for me and to be honest I mostly spend my time having a light drinky with my family, ferrying my son to his mums and his extended family and gently furring my arteries up through the medium of large quantities of roasted meats. If you are thinking about conversion to Islam ( I hear they have rayguns now! click here to find out more) or even creating your own twelve days of Christmas I recommend a trip to the website, click here.  

Talking about religious extremism in general I am pleased to report that it's bloody everywhere.  In a small town like mine the Muslamic population are quite normal really and spend most of their time working their arses off in local restaurants and having a very keen interest in cricket (actually one group in particular have been incredibly generous in the past to local charities).  Other faith communities however are positively crawling with nutters, extremist evangelicals who believe that they can turn fillings into gold and reverse the menopause, radical members of new religions who pour honey over their naked breasts on cliff tops at midnight, book burners, hidden cults who have somehow wheedled their way into political influence and large groups of men who bare their nipples to each other for jollies.   None of these things are made up.   

To finish I thought we could all cheer up and listen to this nice young man proving that ginger people have souls.


Friday, 8 April 2011

Has Nick Clegg cracked up?

Two statements this week from "our nation's" Deputy Prime minister have left me seriously worried that he may actually be suffering from a depressive illness.  In recent emotional interviews Nick has confessed to blubbing like a wuss when listening to music and has begged the public not to view him as "punch bag".  As a person who has suffered from mental illness most of his adult life in the form of bi-polar disorder 1, I can confirm that weeping uncontrollably is an early sign that your mind is about to give out in some horrific messy breakdown, for example during the 1994 World Cup final I cried like a baby purely because it was so shit, no other reason, a few weeks later I was a gibbering wreck dribbling into my tea and thinking I was married to my guitar.   Begging for approval is also a sign that he needs reassurance, he feels unloved and sad, he feels the sting of criticism when his 9 year old child tearful asks him "why are the students angry with you papa ", his confidence is slipping, classic depression.    He has also shown signs of delusional behavior kidding himself that he has never used family influence to get a job when actually his dad had pulled a few strings to get him an internship way back, his delusions go even further by thinking that it is possible to improve social mobility in a nation run by un-feeling psychopathic toss pots who all got to where they are by pulling as many strings as they can get their mits on.  The real test of course for depression is the BDI or Beck Depression Inventory a standard test to see how ill you are consisting of a series of mood questions.  In a very general summary the questions are thus ( From recent statements I have filled in Nick's answers for him).

1) Do you feel Sad ? - Yes, I cry for no reason
2) Do you feel pessimistic? - Yes.
3) Do you feel like a failure? - What do mean, I am a failure.
4) Do you feel dissatisfied? - Sometimes.
5) Do you feel gulity? - (You bloody well should Nick)
6) Do you care about people anymore? - No I am working with a large group of people that lack any degree of human empathy.
7) Do you think about harming yourself? - I have hurt myself anyway I am working with the Tory's.
8) Do you feel ugly - Yes all the those ministerial dinners have made my face look like Jeremy Clarksons scrotum.
9) Do you feel its hard to make decisions? Clearly my decision making processes are flawed.
10) Has your appetite changed ? (see answer 8).

I suggest that action is needed urgently, Nick should step down for health reasons and let another Lib Dem take over as leader.  I suggest someone like that nice Mr Chris Huhne or anyone who is a member of the Beveridge Group who might , please god might, stop supporting the bloody Tories.

To finish a cat that looks like Lenin.

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Lies about debt.

I despise George Osborne, I can't help it but I really do.  I hate his sniveling poxy vocal intonations, his over privileged background, the fact that he is dumping millions of ordinary people on to the dole, cutting our services and most of all I hate his lies about national debt.  We have been told over and over again by this hideous government that we are in crisis, we owe billions, the biggest debt in Britain's history, the developed worlds largest debt.....blah....blah....blah.

Well nearly all of these statements are total bollocks, lets take for example the claim that national debt is at its highest level ever.  If you look at historical charts it is quite clear to see that we in the post war 1940's the UK's debt level was at least 120% of GDP thats 50% higher than todays current figure of 70%.   The claim that we have the highest level of debt in the civilised world is also complete fantasy, in fact we are the 26th highest. Japan is the leader with 225% of its GDP.

National debt is actually rather bizarre anyway.   Ever few years the government flogs off Gilts or to give them their proper namer "Gilt Edged Securities" which make up the UK's "national debt".  Hardly anyone in the real world buys Gilts, if you type in on google "buy Gilts" you end up with a stream of gobbledygook from a mysterious department known as the UK debt management office,the language is nonsensical in the extreme.    The real purchasers of UK debt are in fact, large financial institutions like banks and the urrr the government themselves who are the third largest owner of their own debt.  

George and his mates will have you believe that the great crisis we are all facing and one of the major reasons we must pump so very much of our cash into cutting debt (instead of doing civilised things like stopping disease, teaching kids to read and nicking burglars) is that our national credit rating will be downgraded from "bloody amazing" to "just short of bloody amazing".  Not once has George sought to explain to us who credit scores us anyway, now my loyal readers, I will enlighten you.  National credit is scored by several private companies such as Moodys and Standard and Poor's who in turn are owned and operated by ...............large financial companies.   Amazingly 3 large private companies have more power over our national finances and public services than any politician.  The same people who profit from our debt control how much they get paid, how much a country and its people are "worth" and how quickly they get their money back.

Of course these credit scoring companies have spectacularly poor record on working out credit risk anyway, they all thought it was a splendid idea to back the US sub prime mortgage market up until it went tits up in 2007, causing the credit crunch, a worldwide recession and the bailout of banks with £billions of peoples cash (which surprise surprise is main reason for high public debt in the first place).  It seems that the normal rules do not apply;

Business goes bankrupt - F*** you pal pay me!
Worldwide recession -  F*** you pal pay me!
National economy in crisis - F*** you pal pay me!
Public services need money - F*** you pal pay me!

So when George says to you on the NEWS tonight that the Portuguese bailout is where we will end up if we don't let him slash the hell of public services, he is lying.   He is lying so big that we all swallow his trot wholesale as truth.  
Instead of a sensible balanced approach to gradual reduction of debt minimising the impact to ordinary people he is rushing headlong into an ideological crusade, getting rid of the "pinko lefties" that run our country and making sure big business is the only winner.In his world we count for nothing, it is better to pay the super rich companies than to look after our families, our jobs or our health.


Monday, 4 April 2011

Is Gaddafi Jewish? and some news from County Hall.

Deeply unreliable NEWS source AOL online has this morning reported that sources close to an unnamed Catholic cardinal have confirmed that idiotic despotic nut job Colonel "wheres me marbles" Gaddafi is in fact the bastard love child of a Jewish women and an Italian soldier, adopted by nomadic Arabs at the invitation of the aforementioned leading left footer. This is of course about as likely as my gerbil becoming Prime Minister.

Call me cynical but this stinks just a little bit like a classic intelligence plant, causing dissension through rumour and subterfuge, winding up the situation through the manipulation of the press.  As I am sure we are all aware some of our Arab brothers are not so enthusiastic about  Jewish people and I would imagine this story might be a little encouragement to those around Mr Gaddafi to give him the boot on the grounds that he is a secret Zionist or something.  AOL in the past has been accused of "close links" to the government of the USA and its intelligence community, a rumour if true meaning that the leading Western intelligence community is reliant on a technology so outdated  that it might as well be running on an elastic band.  (AOL of course is just plain crap and has the tendency to take over every operation running on your computer like a hideous virus, the call centres will keep you waiting for up to 2 hours and when you do get through they always, and I mean always, tell you the cure for your problems is to turn your router off and on again. )

Although this story sounds like a good tale the real truth is far more incredible and here for the first time I can reveal the facts to the public.  Colonel Gaddafi is in fact the love child of a Cornish pasty farmer from Nanjizal and a Dutch opium smuggler.  Flown by hot air balloon into the Libyan desert in 1968,  Gaddafi rose to prominence through the creation and widespread use of muslamic rayguns.  Wishing to disguise his obviously Celtic features he regularly superglues his face flaps to his ears and dyes his ginger hair dark brown.  And if you believe that you will believe anything.  

Changing the subject , tittle tattle on the granite grapevine reveals that all is not well at County Hall. Apparently Tory backbenchers are "revolting" against the Cornwall Council leadership demanding the sacking of 2 members of the cabinet and "the return of biscuits to the scrutiny committee.  If they don't get their way a leadership contest is promised and the possible unlawful smuggling of custard creams into the committee rooms. Enter Youtube user cornishminer1 who produces yet another satirical skit using a scene from Hitler movie downfall. (With thanks to Cllr Jeremy Rowe from Wadebridge for flagging this up, a Councillor with a sense of humour is rare thing). Watch for the end when a call from Norman Baker MP is received.....