Friday, 29 April 2011

How to become a Lord.

I hope you all had a wonderful day, I certainly did especially when I decided to turn off the the Royal Wedding commentators and play the Star Wars Imperial March, the effect was like honey dripped magic, as the Welsh guards marched up the Mall it seemed to transform them into jack booted brown shirts intent on storming the Reichstag.

At about 11.30am I cried like a baby.........I really did......the reason; my wife punched me in the back of my big bald head for making one two many smart arse comments about Prince Philips slitty eyes joke.  It seems the Japanese are more respectful of our Royal family than we are.

I want to thank the Royals for providing me with the best comedy material since the banking crisis of 2007 and I want to also thank the users of twitter for creating the best word of 2011 so far - QILF,

My award for outraged comment of the day comes from a twitter user who declared without any sense of hyperbole that "All those who don't like the Royal Wedding should be thrown out of the country or shot".  Bloody hell its just a wedding love, I didn't ban you from Heamoor when you didn't line the streets for my weddings(s), for gawds sake.

Well I wish the Saxe Coburg Und Gothas a happy future,  all humans deserve happiness, just as all humans should enjoy equality, liberty and a life free from illness, poverty and ignorance.  I am of course "just a dreamer" though and I doubt if it matters what I say.

Turning the attendees at the wedding, I became all nerdy at about 2pm wondering who the hell all these assorted Lord and Ladies were so I wikipediaed (is that a word) more information about the peerage system in the UK, just out of a sense of righteous indignation you understand.  Seemingly in the UK there are 2 kinds of aristocrat those with substantive titles like Dukes and Earls and Barons and those with Honorary titles.  Honorary titles apply to those who are close relative of the real title holders such as the eldest son of a Earl who is a "Lord" or the eldest son of Baronet an "Honourable", you get the picture.  But wait a second look at this more closely, here's the real kick in the crutch.  These fawning mewling titles have never been enshrined in law and are....made up by the aristocrats themselves to give added status to the "fruit of their loins".  In fact anyone can style themselves as "Lord" or "Lady" there are no rules.  So you lot have been bowing and cooing etc for no constitutional reason whatsoever, my god I feel foolish.

That being the case I have decided to create my own order of peerage to honour the people of this great nation (Cornwall).  I Simon the High King of St Clare Flats do hereby declare that anyone that fills out the following form and send it to me shall be styled High Lord of the nation of Kernow.

Name_______________________________________________________

Title you wish to assume _______(eg Lord of Treneere)_________________

Amount you are bunging me in pounds sterling _________________________

Date _________________________________________________________

Favourite Doctor Who______________(eg not Colin Baker)


In my first honours list I wish to anoint Mr Grevis Williams for services to folk music now to be known as Lord Banjo String.

Mr Craig Weatherhill for services to beards - who shall be known as Baron Guinness of Newbridge.


And of course Mr Simon Reed for services to feck all and shall be known as Lord Special Brew.


God save the King and all that.

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Unforgivable.

In moron news, Eton educated plank David Cameron himself as popular as an incontinent dog yesterday by insulting Labour MP Angela Eagle during a fraught Prime Minister's questions.  David, who was squawking on about some irrelevant crap and going all red faced and sweaty for no perceptible reason, turned to Ms Eagle and said "Calm down dear" in a effort to patronise the living shit out of her and show the kids how "street" he is by quoting something off the telly. Equally inane tosser George Osborne then guffawed like a 8 year old, his chins bellowing out from under his smug face like a wobbly, sour milk jelly.   Tory MP's rose to their feet in jubilation as one, "that'll teach her the feminist cow!!" they seemed to be screaming.

Now lets set aside the fact that Dave seems to have lost the ability to know when a joke is appropriate, and lets ignore the obviously sexist tone of his comments and focus on his most grievous sin.  It is never, and I mean never OK to quote Michael Winner.  Michael Winner is famous for making the rather entertaining but deeply flawed Death Wish trilogy, the essential message of which can be summarised as Liberals are stupid and even they would turn to violence if they were a victim of crime.  Shit my daughter has been raped I better grow a moustache go and kill a load of people that have nothing to do with it!!  Mr Winner is also the only man in history to receive an apology on national TV for a comment made about the state of his underpants, clearly showing were his priorities lie.

The real reason I don't like Mike is that he is continually shoving his wealth down your face , "look at me I wiping my arse with a wad of £50 notes", "look, look I have my nads washed every day by nubile dusky maidens", "my god I am so rich I have champers for brekkers every day while the servants look on".   Enough already, I am poor you are rich we get it Mike.

Tomorrow a real news story possibly the hilarious fact that Prince William is his own Fourth Cousin.

Monday, 18 April 2011

Gawd bless 'em.

Royal wedding fever gathers a pace all over our nations TV stations with BBC1 devoting a slot every 30 minutes grinning tossers talking about what a credit to the country Prince William of Wales and his "blushing" bride are.  Sniveling dirt bag David "Eton Mess" Cameron has informed us all to ignore the law and shut streets willy nilly because "he is the Prime minister", (If I did this I would flayed alive by Cornwall Council).  ITV1 at every ad break roll out Adrian Chiles and his saucepot daybreak co-host Christine Bleakley in the hope that we all be warmed by his gentle midlands humour and her good looks into turning over to ITV on the morning of the 29th of April.  The nations co-ops are lined with Royal Wedding merchandise, mugs, albums ......aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


I am now going to explain why I really, really hate this crap.


The Royal family are a questionable institution at the best of times, they absorb huge chunks of state resources to prop up the lifestyles of a bunch of basically, Germans.  There real surname isn't Windsor, Wales or any affectation but either Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Gl├╝cksburg if you use Prince Phillips real surname or Herzogtum Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha if you use the Queens real maiden name.  The institution itself is soooo outdated that the vast majority of reasonable humans ditched the concept of "god choosing" their leaders centuries ago.  Does anyone actually buy the idea that Frau Herzogtum Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha was chosen by the almighty to be rich on our behalf?  Do you think god is up there  thinking to himself "do you know what a short woman who looks like she is perpetually angry is just what this nation needs", really ?  Do you?  Are you that insane?  


Anyway the real reason that I hate this Royal Wedding is not because of the participants, Wills seems sort of decent enough sort of chap for a multi-millionaire, Catherine Middleton has a small chance of a rescuing the genetic cul-de-sac of the Windsors which I see as a service to medicine, so bravo. All humans have the right to a happy family life after all. I really hate this wedding because of what it symbolises.


You see in the 19th and 20th Centuries the Royals cut a deal with politicians, it goes like this 


Royals "We will retreat into the backround and let you run the country on our behalf"
Politicians "But hang on the public will ask why we still give you loads of cash and bow and stuff if you are no longer running the country directly"
Royals "Pretend we represent the ultimate BRITISH FAMILY and BRITISH MIDDLE CLASS FAMILY VALUES that will give you an excuse to keep throwing us huge amounts of wonga"
Politicians " But isn't it a real Royal tradition to shag your way through the staff , your cousins, the corgi's I mean EVERYTHING, and aren't you German anyway"
Royals "Yes, we will pretend the shagging doesn't happen, set us up as some moral crusade for middle class values, that will give us a purpose....oh and we will change our German names"


So the Royal Wedding on one level is a personal celebration of a couples love for each other but to the Church, the Tories and the Upper Middle classes its a way of shoving their values down our throats.  Wills and Kate are just as likely to be banging their horsey set mates within ten years as Mummy and Daddy were but for 1 day in late April they will be held up as examples to us of what we should aspire to.


So I for one will be booing myself hoarse on April 29th as the Royal couple celebrate their nuptials in the hope that one day , meritocracy, freedom and equality are seen as more important than a "right royal knees up".  











Sunday, 17 April 2011

A picture paints a thousand words.

Badger culling is an emotive subject on one hand we have farmers and livestock owners who avidly advocate throttling the buggers and badger lovers who think they are lovely, cuddly, puddingy sort of creatures who should be left in peace.  Now I tend to gravitate towards the latter, however I have a strong feeling that the owners of the West Briton and their online news facility www.thisiscornwall.co.uk may disagree with me.  In an article this week Police raise concerns that local farmers might conduct "a big society badger cull" in other words doing it themselves instead of waiting for permission from the government. Despite the hilarious notion of "big society" culling , I nearly hooted out loud when I saw the picture chosen to accompany the article.

Yes, the badger in this picture looks like its running at the screen with the single and binding intention to rip your face off.  You can imagine the screams of horror  from passing farmers as the ferocious beast charge their cattle causing them to catch TB in pure fear.  Clearly the West Briton wants us to think that badgers are dangerous wild animals and not at all fluffy, cuddly or appealing to small children. 

In a Village Idiot exclusive I can now confirm that Badgers as well as being vicious terrible creatures akin to fluffy demons they are also thieves, here in fact is a picture showing a badger nicking a mountain bike.

In unrelated real news, can I thank Penzance Town council for their get well soon card signed by a majority of their staff and a goodly percentage of their Councillors - many thanks folks its nice to feel appreciated.







Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Last nights TV with the Village Idiot.

Insomnia driving me mad last night I was forced to watch Brian Cox's wonders of the Solar System.  Now Brian has a very popular following especially among the ladies of the nation, who seem to go for the whiny voice and pokemon hairstyle like excrement off a stick.  I however have a very serious problem with our Brian and that is, I have a continual urge to smash his mush flat.   I can't for the life of me explain why, the content of his programmes are entertaining, but I Just can't help wanting to smush his boyish good looks into a pile of red jelly.  Does Brian in fact have (at least to me) Britain's most bashable face?  About a week ago I was discussing my cox problem with a very pleasant lady at the local book shop, apparently she has the very same feeing about Theology Doc Francesca Stavrakopoulou who recently graced our TV screens in  fascinating BBC documentary series "The Bible's buried secrets".  In particular she seemed to have taken a particular dislike to Dr  Stavrakopoulou's green dress (seen above) which she claimed never left her during the entire series.  I have to confess to having slightly different thoughts about the Doc, very different thoughts indeed...[sigh]...Could it be that we grown adults were resentful or jealous of our better looking gender counterparts?  As a younger man I was, I have to confess I was great deal prettier than now, maybe my dislike of Coxy, is that he is bloody 42 and does not look like a poorly balanced baked potato?

Even with this in mind Brian is in fact very annoying indeed and that if he says "we are all made of stars" in a wistful voice while starring at the sky once more, I swear I will hunt him down like a rabid fox and get Patrick Moore to sit on the fucker.  Whats even worse is that Cox was in New Labour anthem creators D.ream,  who performed ear bleedingly bad 1990's song "things can only get better" which proved to be less accurate than we all hoped.

So in summary ...successful pop career, brain the size of a planet, youthful good looks even in middle age, of course I am bloody jealous...git.

Unfortunate name of the year award.

Its your fault! No, its your fault! I told you so!

Yes, the Penzance Harbour debate swings on with things getting deep down and nasty from some quarters, people slagging off commentators abilities to comment due to the fact they are [gasp!] folk musicians on newspaper forums, Chamber of commerce newsletters with alleged libelous content, online petitions calling for the portfolio holder for OBE insults to resign (click on link to find out more). You get the picture.  As I have officially quit from having a view about local matters such as these as I have no plans to publicly give my damn opinion on the in and outs of Norman Bakers decision, I am trying to avoid a second heart attack for pity's sake.  (Please god don't let this post become a forum thread on whom is the biggest "grumble and grunt" in the town.)

But I will say one thing, our local MP Andrew George seems to have chosen a rather unfortunate name for his working group that he hopes will save the IOS link.

Now I am sure he had a little chuckle when he came up with "coalition of the willing" but it is unfortunately the very same phrase used by mind boggling war monger George W  Bush for his rag tag group of supporters for the illegal Iraq war.  Coalition of the willing to me conjures up the following image, a group of insignificant lap dog poodles suckering up to the boss who are only involved because all the serious players have done a runner, providing token support to a mad man at the helm who has a massive chip on his shoulder about the subject at hand.   

I think on reflection a better name should and could be chosen for this group.

Suggestions on a postcard to
The Village Idiot
C/O St Just Madhouse
St Just 
Cornwall.



Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Bigot tackles drowning moron.

This is the NEWS...sort of....Gillian Duffy famous low level racist and Gordon Brown baiter has this morning tackled increasingly robotic "Liberal" "Democrat" leader Nick Clegg over his membership of the coalition government.  "Look me in the eyes and tell me you are happy with the government cuts" frothed Gillian, 66 whose hobbies include knitting, international Nazi Hunting and draughts.  In reply Nick, aged 44 and former "toast rack" for public school topper wearing toffs replied, "Whoever was in power now, any government would have to take difficult decisions,".   Mrs Duffy responded "That's just the same speech I heard him give an hour earlier on the radio", her eyes bugging out on stalks like a giant alien insect.

This follows a leaked email from Warren Bradley leader of the Lib Dems on Liverpool council in which he calls for Nick to run for the hills from the evils of the coalition.  Apparently Warren is concerned that the Lib Dems might disappear into the ether at the next set of elections never to be seen again.  A very real fear when you consider the views of people like my parents who have spent 20 odd years of their life backing a candidate who promises to "stop the Tories" only to find they are now in government with them, in my dads words "I will never vote Lib Dem again as long as I live".  Even as I write I find it hard to reconcile Nick's position with the some of our hard working well meaning local Councillors who I know and respect.

In local ignorance news, a little birdy tells me that a local resident spotted a "bendy bus" in Penzance Town Centre and nearly had a schizoid embolism, running  to the nearest Penzance Councillor to raise the roof like some enraged Boris Johnson.   Apparently it just wouldn't do to have a bus that bent in the middle in the beautiful high streets of this glorious borough.  Humiliation followed when it turned out that First Bus were just doing repairs on it in Penzance as their Plymouth Depot was a bit busy, and they had no plans to introduce aforementioned bending vehicles to local services.   Speaking of ignorance its been a while since we in Penzance had a good old fashioned moral panic (not since the great fountain debate of 2007),so can I just start the rumour that Wetherspoons have bought the Market House in Penzance as Lloyds have sold it as part of their disposal of 600 branches, its an absolute lie but lets see how long before I get to hear it repeated to me. 


To finish Yuri Gagarin who 50 years ago today became the first human in space.



Monday, 11 April 2011

Do we live in a democracy?

My previous post concerning my loathing for Halifax ads had a little post script on recent developments at Cornwall Council which seems to have attracted some attention.  In particular people are asking the question do we live in a Democracy ?

About 15 years ago a general trend started to emerge in the way we run our public services.  The leaders of Britain begun to believe that the best way to make people happy is by setting targets for their well being. For example if they increase the level of hip operations, kids reading, criminals locked up etc etc then we on the whole will be happier.   Faith in the ability for ordinary people to make decisions about these targets evaporated, the general feeling that people were too stupid to make decisions that made them better became entrenched.  They are cleverer and more capable than us at least they think so.

Very slowly local authorities lost their democratic powers which were replaced with "governance" powers which work like this.  The government decides what all local Councils must do to the very letter of the law and in 90% of all council decisions Councillors are managing these targets on behalf of the central controllers, the experts that set the targets and a very small circle of politicians. Councillors are now "trained" to make decisions and are unable to make independent decisions on behalf of the community. To ensure that "key opinion formers" continue to believe that they have some control they are herded into talking shops, forums, consultation groups, local area networks etc where they largely moan about their own neighbourhood, the fast food shop on the corner, the dog poop, and the late bin collection etc.  The accepted name for these people among the powerful is "useful idiots" the very same phrase once used by the Soviets to describe their supporters in the West in the cold war.  The phrase "post democratic society" is used openly in philosophical discussions about public services.

Meanwhile national democracy is fundamentally flawed.  Not since the 1940's has a majority party governed in Britain, even in the 1997 election 45% voted for Labour, a minority.  Our election system with or without AV is broken (even though I will vote yes in May).  In Britain we rarely notice that unlike other Western nations the people are not sovereign, Parliament is.  Parliament of course is now so out of touch that we have MP's that do not even comprehend the outside world they run.

The biggest scandal though is that we are now governed by 2 major groups that exert influence way beyond national boundaries.  Those with the theories and those with the cash.  Those with the theories set the trend that ALL parties follow regardless of their history.  When the current economic expert says we need to cut public services, all parties do.  The big companies especially the banks influence way beyond national boundaries interfering through with as many decisions as they can to ensure they can continue to trade at privileged levels, those who create the theories often come from similarly privileged backgrounds who benefit from money created from these practices.

So in summary.  A small super rich elite "know" our needs and "know" we are too stupid to make our own decisions, they "kindly" set targets for our happiness.  Even the moderately well off are excluded from decisions.  Central democracy is flawed, under influence from business and governed by those with the current theories.

Funny enough I do believe in Democracy, a Liberal Democracy as it is described in the constitution of Liberal Democrats "a fair, free and open society, in which we seek to balance the fundamental values of liberty, equality and community, and in which no one shall be enslaved by poverty, ignorance or conformity"


(I think my next post will be the death of British liberalism)

So do we live in a Democracy . Do we arse.

S

P-isa off.

Is it me or is the most irritating thing on the TV at the moment the bloody isa advert from state owned money grabbers the Halifax.  Now the whole thing is just bloody ghastly to watch, some bloke mentions isa's, his gormless female friend plays 1990 hit "Ice Ice Baby" (by poor mans MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice) in some apparently "hilarious" parody of the word Isa and then bops her head like your dad at a disco.  While the smug gits jive away we are all encouraged to run down to the Halifax and help bail out the failed bank by lining their coffers with our cash,.  Its a self congratulating vomit of an ad that makes me sick to my very guts.  And of course we are paying for it.  Click here to have your soul destroyed.

More galling than some silly cow moving her head like a demented meerkat is of course the conclusion of this mornings bank review which in summary states "do what you like lads" and leaves the banking sector pretty much intact guaranteeing some where down the line we are going to have to put our hands in our pockets again.  One of the main recommendations of Sir John Vickers review is create a firewall between retail banking and commercial investment banking, of course this is deeply unrealistic, unworkable and placing trust in companies that cannot be trusted.

Speaking of travesties, it seems that Cornwall Council descent into undemocratic farce continues unabated with the NEWS that portfolio holder for Transport, Blood Letting and Nazi Analogies Cllr G Hicks has ordered the closure of the Council's parking panel.  BBC's blogger Graham Smith reports that this email was received mysteriously in his inbox

Eliot (sic),
Cllr Hicks has asked me to cancel the Panel meeting on Wednesday and to
terminate the Panel.
Can this be done pl. Kate, we need to tell the guy from Looe.
Peter Moore - Local Transport Manager 
The Chairman of the Panel was until its demise Cllr Andrew Wallis from Porthleven who has on occasions voiced some concerns about the current regime.  Any hint of revenge is purely coincidental I am sure.  What really matters to me though is if this is even legal?  Abandoning a panel without democratic mandate would have been just 10 years ago a heinous crime, but since the rise of cabinet government in councils executive powers seem to be the order of the day.  Simply put ordinary Councillors can do nothing about anything, occasionally they are bunged a panel or committee where they talk allot about a subject, the results of which are roundly ignored by the leaders of their authority.

Bye for now......

Saturday, 9 April 2011

Merry Christmas!

No I have not gone mad, fear not.   This morning while looking for something completely different I bumped into a pro Islamic website called "Is Xmas Evil".   Although the website itself is pretty standard "join my religion" stuff the authors version of the 12 days of Christmas made me snort pepsi through my nose with laughter.  While I mostly get socks for  Christmas this is apparently what this gentleman believes is the typical Christmas holiday in modern Britain.



On the 1st day of christmas my true love gave to me an S....T....D.
On the 2nd day debt
On the 3rd rape
On the 4th teenage pregnancy
Followed By An Abortion
Raves
Claiming God Has A Son
  • Blasphemy
  • Exploitation
  • Promiscuity
  • Night Clubs
  • Crime
  • Paedophilia
  • Paganism
  • Domestic Violence
  • Homelessness
  • Alcohol
  • Drugs...

Well I have to say that this is busy Christmas even for me and to be honest I mostly spend my time having a light drinky with my family, ferrying my son to his mums and his extended family and gently furring my arteries up through the medium of large quantities of roasted meats. If you are thinking about conversion to Islam ( I hear they have rayguns now! click here to find out more) or even creating your own twelve days of Christmas I recommend a trip to the website, click here.  

Talking about religious extremism in general I am pleased to report that it's bloody everywhere.  In a small town like mine the Muslamic population are quite normal really and spend most of their time working their arses off in local restaurants and having a very keen interest in cricket (actually one group in particular have been incredibly generous in the past to local charities).  Other faith communities however are positively crawling with nutters, extremist evangelicals who believe that they can turn fillings into gold and reverse the menopause, radical members of new religions who pour honey over their naked breasts on cliff tops at midnight, book burners, hidden cults who have somehow wheedled their way into political influence and large groups of men who bare their nipples to each other for jollies.   None of these things are made up.   

To finish I thought we could all cheer up and listen to this nice young man proving that ginger people have souls.


Friday, 8 April 2011

Has Nick Clegg cracked up?

Two statements this week from "our nation's" Deputy Prime minister have left me seriously worried that he may actually be suffering from a depressive illness.  In recent emotional interviews Nick has confessed to blubbing like a wuss when listening to music and has begged the public not to view him as "punch bag".  As a person who has suffered from mental illness most of his adult life in the form of bi-polar disorder 1, I can confirm that weeping uncontrollably is an early sign that your mind is about to give out in some horrific messy breakdown, for example during the 1994 World Cup final I cried like a baby purely because it was so shit, no other reason, a few weeks later I was a gibbering wreck dribbling into my tea and thinking I was married to my guitar.   Begging for approval is also a sign that he needs reassurance, he feels unloved and sad, he feels the sting of criticism when his 9 year old child tearful asks him "why are the students angry with you papa ", his confidence is slipping, classic depression.    He has also shown signs of delusional behavior kidding himself that he has never used family influence to get a job when actually his dad had pulled a few strings to get him an internship way back, his delusions go even further by thinking that it is possible to improve social mobility in a nation run by un-feeling psychopathic toss pots who all got to where they are by pulling as many strings as they can get their mits on.  The real test of course for depression is the BDI or Beck Depression Inventory a standard test to see how ill you are consisting of a series of mood questions.  In a very general summary the questions are thus ( From recent statements I have filled in Nick's answers for him).

1) Do you feel Sad ? - Yes, I cry for no reason
2) Do you feel pessimistic? - Yes.
3) Do you feel like a failure? - What do mean, I am a failure.
4) Do you feel dissatisfied? - Sometimes.
5) Do you feel gulity? - (You bloody well should Nick)
6) Do you care about people anymore? - No I am working with a large group of people that lack any degree of human empathy.
7) Do you think about harming yourself? - I have hurt myself anyway I am working with the Tory's.
8) Do you feel ugly - Yes all the those ministerial dinners have made my face look like Jeremy Clarksons scrotum.
9) Do you feel its hard to make decisions? Clearly my decision making processes are flawed.
10) Has your appetite changed ? (see answer 8).

I suggest that action is needed urgently, Nick should step down for health reasons and let another Lib Dem take over as leader.  I suggest someone like that nice Mr Chris Huhne or anyone who is a member of the Beveridge Group who might , please god might, stop supporting the bloody Tories.

To finish a cat that looks like Lenin.

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Lies about debt.

I despise George Osborne, I can't help it but I really do.  I hate his sniveling poxy vocal intonations, his over privileged background, the fact that he is dumping millions of ordinary people on to the dole, cutting our services and most of all I hate his lies about national debt.  We have been told over and over again by this hideous government that we are in crisis, we owe billions, the biggest debt in Britain's history, the developed worlds largest debt.....blah....blah....blah.

Well nearly all of these statements are total bollocks, lets take for example the claim that national debt is at its highest level ever.  If you look at historical charts it is quite clear to see that we in the post war 1940's the UK's debt level was at least 120% of GDP thats 50% higher than todays current figure of 70%.   The claim that we have the highest level of debt in the civilised world is also complete fantasy, in fact we are the 26th highest. Japan is the leader with 225% of its GDP.

National debt is actually rather bizarre anyway.   Ever few years the government flogs off Gilts or to give them their proper namer "Gilt Edged Securities" which make up the UK's "national debt".  Hardly anyone in the real world buys Gilts, if you type in on google "buy Gilts" you end up with a stream of gobbledygook from a mysterious department known as the UK debt management office,the language is nonsensical in the extreme.    The real purchasers of UK debt are in fact, large financial institutions like banks and the urrr the government themselves who are the third largest owner of their own debt.  

George and his mates will have you believe that the great crisis we are all facing and one of the major reasons we must pump so very much of our cash into cutting debt (instead of doing civilised things like stopping disease, teaching kids to read and nicking burglars) is that our national credit rating will be downgraded from "bloody amazing" to "just short of bloody amazing".  Not once has George sought to explain to us who credit scores us anyway, now my loyal readers, I will enlighten you.  National credit is scored by several private companies such as Moodys and Standard and Poor's who in turn are owned and operated by ...............large financial companies.   Amazingly 3 large private companies have more power over our national finances and public services than any politician.  The same people who profit from our debt control how much they get paid, how much a country and its people are "worth" and how quickly they get their money back.

Of course these credit scoring companies have spectacularly poor record on working out credit risk anyway, they all thought it was a splendid idea to back the US sub prime mortgage market up until it went tits up in 2007, causing the credit crunch, a worldwide recession and the bailout of banks with £billions of peoples cash (which surprise surprise is main reason for high public debt in the first place).  It seems that the normal rules do not apply;

Business goes bankrupt - F*** you pal pay me!
Worldwide recession -  F*** you pal pay me!
National economy in crisis - F*** you pal pay me!
Public services need money - F*** you pal pay me!

So when George says to you on the NEWS tonight that the Portuguese bailout is where we will end up if we don't let him slash the hell of public services, he is lying.   He is lying so big that we all swallow his trot wholesale as truth.  
Instead of a sensible balanced approach to gradual reduction of debt minimising the impact to ordinary people he is rushing headlong into an ideological crusade, getting rid of the "pinko lefties" that run our country and making sure big business is the only winner.In his world we count for nothing, it is better to pay the super rich companies than to look after our families, our jobs or our health.


Monday, 4 April 2011

Is Gaddafi Jewish? and some news from County Hall.

Deeply unreliable NEWS source AOL online has this morning reported that sources close to an unnamed Catholic cardinal have confirmed that idiotic despotic nut job Colonel "wheres me marbles" Gaddafi is in fact the bastard love child of a Jewish women and an Italian soldier, adopted by nomadic Arabs at the invitation of the aforementioned leading left footer. This is of course about as likely as my gerbil becoming Prime Minister.

Call me cynical but this stinks just a little bit like a classic intelligence plant, causing dissension through rumour and subterfuge, winding up the situation through the manipulation of the press.  As I am sure we are all aware some of our Arab brothers are not so enthusiastic about  Jewish people and I would imagine this story might be a little encouragement to those around Mr Gaddafi to give him the boot on the grounds that he is a secret Zionist or something.  AOL in the past has been accused of "close links" to the government of the USA and its intelligence community, a rumour if true meaning that the leading Western intelligence community is reliant on a technology so outdated  that it might as well be running on an elastic band.  (AOL of course is just plain crap and has the tendency to take over every operation running on your computer like a hideous virus, the call centres will keep you waiting for up to 2 hours and when you do get through they always, and I mean always, tell you the cure for your problems is to turn your router off and on again. )

Although this story sounds like a good tale the real truth is far more incredible and here for the first time I can reveal the facts to the public.  Colonel Gaddafi is in fact the love child of a Cornish pasty farmer from Nanjizal and a Dutch opium smuggler.  Flown by hot air balloon into the Libyan desert in 1968,  Gaddafi rose to prominence through the creation and widespread use of muslamic rayguns.  Wishing to disguise his obviously Celtic features he regularly superglues his face flaps to his ears and dyes his ginger hair dark brown.  And if you believe that you will believe anything.  

Changing the subject , tittle tattle on the granite grapevine reveals that all is not well at County Hall. Apparently Tory backbenchers are "revolting" against the Cornwall Council leadership demanding the sacking of 2 members of the cabinet and "the return of biscuits to the scrutiny committee.  If they don't get their way a leadership contest is promised and the possible unlawful smuggling of custard creams into the committee rooms. Enter Youtube user cornishminer1 who produces yet another satirical skit using a scene from Hitler movie downfall. (With thanks to Cllr Jeremy Rowe from Wadebridge for flagging this up, a Councillor with a sense of humour is rare thing). Watch for the end when a call from Norman Baker MP is received.....


Saturday, 2 April 2011

Fun with facts via Wikipedia

As a little hobby I sometimes engage in editing notorious online encyclopedia Wikipedia.  Notorious of course because great swathes of the websites entries are riddled with errors.   Edit wars are also a regular occurrence, disputes over the facts waged by bored nerds that go on forever.  Bloody edit wars have included "Did Daffy Duck have any ducklings?", "was the lead character in Grand Theft Auto 4 Croatian, Russian or from an unspecified East European Country?", and should the anus article have a picture of an actual human "chocolate starfish".


Less known is the secret editing by people trying to gerrymander the facts, my first example may seem strangely mundane, however... In June 2007 a unknown user named "fcukrain" ( I kid you not) made swathing changes to the Penzance article including extremely un-encyclopedic language and this sentence,


"Since 1933 several disasters have occured mainly with planning issues in the 1960s. They began with the distruction [sic] of artist Norman Garsten's studio in 1960 to make way for a dismal carpark". 


As this is extremely unusual information indeed the Village Idiot has come to the conclusion that firstly the individual must have intimate knowledge of Norman Garsten's property and a serious problem with the Penzance  Council Car Park next to it.  Would it be a coincidence that a member of one of our local authorities fits this description very closely indeed.  I would name this person but I am still keeping my head down after foolishly posting on facebook that I was looking for volunteers to punch him in the face, ask me if you are really interested!


Now this is very minor of course more serious is the continued whitewashing of biographical entries including our own local MP Andrew George.  For months now a single user has been removing all the content relating to Andrew's involvement with MP's expenses scandal .As we all know Andrew was in fact exonerated of all the major charges against him and not for one second would I suggest that he is ordering these changes.  From experience Andrew would rather not have to deal with computers at all anyway, he doesn't like them and has less than fond memories of one local branch of  the local Lib Dem's "accidentally" posting a picture of Bart Simpson's bare arse on its site, resulting in the webmaster being expelled from the party and a massive internet scandal, I thought it was funny at least.


Someone however is changing Andrew's entry without explanation, my advice is that all you need to do is say he was let off without deleting the whole episode like some sinister big brotheresque lunatic, wiping history clean is not acceptable.  


The most dodgy of all are the complete rewritings of historical facts one of the worst being for some reason anything to do with Communist Yugoslavia which all read like promo's for the former Yugoslav communist party and make Hitlers revisions of history look like mild edits. 


OK, I am off to wikipedia to write an article about myself in which I omit dodgy facts about my life such as, I don't see one of my children, I drink too much, I am bald and I once watched an episode of Ant and Dec's push the button.



Friday, 1 April 2011

How to win friends and influence people.

This blog like every other seems to attract the occasional critical comment.  Over the years I have received hate mail from all sorts and on one occasion I was abused in public for writing a mildly critical piece about Cheryl Cole, ridiculous though it might seem.  No comment thread on this website can ever compare however, to a recent outpouring on BigAl's books and Pals blog which provides the best example of professional suicide I have seen in my entire life.  On the 16th of March "BigAl" reviewed Jacqueline Howett's "The Greek Seaman" , despite sounding like a sticky fortnight in Mykonos, BigAl gives the book a moderate review highlighting the relatively good story and also a string of grammar and spelling errors that make the book "hard to read".  Now I am not adverse myself to the occasional error in my writing, what with me being a certified dyslexic and all,  I however take it on the chin and accept my fate with a little bit of humor and self deprecation.  This blog for example is clearly marked as "insane", "ramblings", the "worst blog ever" etc, don't take it too seriously for gawd's sake.  Ms Howett on the other hand has a different approach entirely to critical analysis, namely outright verbal assault in the public domain followed by an even more public meltdown. 


This comment was the first to be posted on March 18th by the author.


"You obviously didn't read the second clean copy I requested you download that was also reformatted, so this is a very unfair review. My Amazon readers/reviewers give it 5 stars and 4 stars and they say they really enjoyed The Greek Seaman and thought it was well written. Maybe its just my style and being English is what you don't get. Sorry it wasn't your cup of tea, but I think I will stick to my five star and four star reviews thanks."


Followed by 


"You did not download the fresh copy.... you did not. No way!
Al was given the option of a free copy from smashwords the following day to download in any format he preffered [sic]Look AL, I'm not in the mood for playing snake with you, what I read above has no flaws. My writing is fine. You were told to download a new copy for format problems the very next day while they were free at Smashwords, so you could choose any format you wanted to read it in and if their were any spelling mistakes they were corrected. Simply remove this review as it is in error with you not downloading the fresh copy i insisted. Why review my book after being told to do this, and more annoying why have you never ever responded to any of my e-mails?
And please follow up now from e-mail.
This is not only discusting [sic] and unprofessional on your part, but you really don't fool me AL.
Who are you any way? Really who are you?
What do we know about you?
You never downloaded another copy you liar!
You never ever returned to me an e-mail
Besides if you want to throw crap at authors you should first ask their permission if they want it stuck up on the internet via e-mail. That debate is high among authors.
Your the target not me!
Now get this review off here!"



Torrid stuff and certainly one of the stupidest responses to a review I have come across, but it does get worse...much worse.  Hundreds of negative comments follow from authors, the public, the blog owner and others largely pointing out that they would probably steer clear of the Ms Howett's books on the grounds that she had a bit of an "arse on", one commentator writes; 

"The best part is that even your comments, Jacqueline, are full of misspellings, awkward phrasing, grammatical errors, and typos. So I'm certain those creep into your writing. And if you didn't have a good editor (or even an editor at all), then it's not hard to believe what the reviewer is saying.  It's almost like you're proving Al's point for him just by your own writing in the comments"

1 minute later Jacqueline Howett responds with,
"Fuck Off!"

Oh dear..................

This exchange is now over 300 posts long and has been championed by Stephen Fry among others, as an example of the best way to throw a career away, quickly and very publicly.  To read the whole sorry exchange click here, its actually tremendously funny in a slow motion car crash sort of way.